Melt down moment – the legacy of blame

This is a quick post but one I feel led to write. Today I have been so aware of how being a multiple impacts my life. Even when I am not contending with the switching or lost time, there are so many other aspects of dissociative identity disorder that impact my life.
This morning began with my ensuring time for my little alters so that entailed me watching cartoons as I know giving them time in the day helps with my sleeping at night.
But then I set time aside to try and get to know a specific alter, the one I have been feeling recently.  I could feel them but nothing else, so try as I might and with as much effort as I could muster I was hoping this might improve. 
I am not sure what I was hoping for but I felt if only I could hear them, after all they have communicated with my family so why not me.
But sadly nothing happened I sensed their presence as I was experiencing their feelings but I didn’t hear them. We just don’t have communication with them.
The situation perplexes me and causes me distress, I read on various social media sites that others seem to have this ability and they say they have co-consciousness too. What is wrong with me that I can’t make this happen. 
I began to spiral and get distressed this caused me to lose time, time I couldn’t afford to lose. 
When I came back to awareness I felt so low in mood, I felt a failure.  A failure because I can’t make the progress I think I need to, no one is placing these demands upon me except me.
But still I blamed myself and the tears began to fall down my face as I cried in sorrow and pain.
After sometime I managed to stop but felt plagued with thoughts of being inadequate and stupid.
Then it hit me, as a child I always felt to blame,  that everything that was wrong in my life was my fault. As an adult I still tend to put myself down and the feelings of failure today were just yet another aspect of the psychological damage which is a result of my past.
As a multiple and a former victim I have to deal with the psychological impact not only of the dissociation but also of the negative thought patterns that are part of my normal default. 
So a few hours later and I am no longer crying uncontrollably but I still feel an  inadequacy in me for not being able to communicate with the alters.
I can only hope this improves tomorrow and I know it’s something that I will need to raise in my next therapy session.

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6 thoughts on “Melt down moment – the legacy of blame

  1. Well done for writing this, can see how hard it must have been to put it together while you’re feeling this way.

    With the little alters,and watching cartoons, maybe that could be a starting point for some communication with them (which may be written/drawn rather than through speech?). Just, with me/we there are some child-parts who literally *can’t* speak but drawing is a way of communicating with me. Don’t know if that’s something that may be helpful for you? Letter-writing in a journal is something else that may be a help?

    Co-consciousness is something *i think* we’ve had on less than a handful of situations ever, but am not sure if it was something we’ve actually managed or not.

    There’s nothing *wrong* with you or your alters for not having the level of communication you’re trying to achieve yet. Those negative thought patterns and putting yourself under such pressure may be shared with other alters, too who I guess might worry over not being ‘good enough’ or even ‘worthy enough’ . Know for me/we there’s lots of ‘I’m stupid’ that goes on which just silences all of me.

    Am thinking of you and hope it helped to write this post.

    Also hope this reply makes some sense. Sending encouraging thoughts and hugs your way, if wanted.

  2. hi hon
    sorry that you are having such a hard day & for the record, co-consciousness is not always a wonderful thing – for me, it’s like someone sits in front of me & starts driving & I have no control over anything, all I can do is try & be aware if what’s happening, so not an easy thing. I have always been ‘aware’ of this & while it’s not a bad thing the loss of powerlessness is often overwhelming.
    & they will come out when ready, please ‘trust in the unfolding’ (tattoo that I have) & take it easy on yourselves, okay?
    thanks so much for all your writings – really makes me/us feel so less alone…
    lisaj&thegirls

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