This past week I encountered a situation that for me at least is quite common but the frustration of which can vary depending upon the circumstances. Losing time is a daily occurrence for me, but earlier this week I found myself so frustrated and upset by one incident, that I know I have upset my alters and probably undone some of my recent progress regarding feeling my alters.
I am currently planning a holiday and like most females I guess am keen to look my best on the vacation, so since Christmas I have been eating healthier, and that has meant trying to give up my urge for sweet things. Truth be known I can be a bit of a chocoholic at times, I think this maybe down to lots of younger parts who find sweetie’s so attractive and tasty or just the fact I can’t resist the stuff.
Trying to be good and watching what I eat has meant lots of sacrifices from all of me, the alters have had to sacrifice too and I guess that has been difficult at times. So when this week my daughter offered me some chocolate I’d like to say I thought about it sensibly, but in reality I thought oh stick this healthy living , chocolate yummy. Then I tried to be good by saying ‘just one piece’ all the while knowing that I was in truth breaking the past 4 weeks of being good. I think my mouth was salivating already at this point and I was waiting to savour every minuscule molecule of the chocolate, I could smell it, taste it, it was just there one second from my grasp.
My daughter was sitting on the sofa across from me and seemed to have finished the said chocolate bar, so in indignation I asked, well more demanded to know where my piece of chocolate had gone! it was after all mine, she had promised it to me. Her reply startled me, in fact if I hadn’t been sitting down I would most probably have fallen down in shock. “you have had it” she responded, “NO I haven’t” I replied. My daughter who by now looked quite put out stated in a rather firmer manner “Mum, you ate it ages ago!” “You had a big smile whilst you ate it and seemed to enjoy it”.
Thus followed a rather long, protracted discussion about the said chocolate, all the while I think my daughter and I were both realising what had happened. At that very moment I was about to take the chocolate, I had switched and one of my parts had eaten the said delicious chocolate and not me. You may not comprehend my indignation, but I can assure you this was serious, I felt robbed, cheated out of my yummy galaxy chocolate piece and by one of my own alters. I was frustrated at my daughter for giving my chocolate to another part of me, she should have known it wasn’t me especially as she then told me, I had made big facial gestures and a few noises of delight too. But mostly I was irritated at both losing time, switching alters and missing out on MY chocolate! Yes I was annoyed with the alter or alters who ate it, and well that it isn’t a good position to be in because of course they realised I was annoyed and I then encountered a whole cacophony of feelings and emotions all at once.
The chocolate was just one step too far, I hadn’t been greedy and I hadn’t asked for much but all I wanted was one measly piece of chocolate and someone else ate it instead. Now any mild mannered person would get annoyed at that, and I think my reaction was at least a little justified.
But for someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder who has many different parts of me I need to appreciate that my feelings, emotions or comments about my alters may well be heard or felt by them and with that comes consequences. So for all my distress over this incident and the feelings and comments that ensued there was the potential for a fall out from the alters. Sadly in my distress over this loss of time, I didn’t stop and rationalise this situation, or think of the repercussions it just all kind of ran away with me. I accused an alter of stealing, I said some rather unpleasant comments too and I didn’t feel great about my D.I.D either and I made that very clear, unfortunately that as meant these past few days I haven’t felt any of my alters not one.
I am still switching, I am losing time, probably more than usual as I am not feeling anything and all the while I am fairly resigned to the fact I have caused this shut down. Its as if no amount of internal dialogue with my alters is making any impact upon their silence, I have apologised over and over again but sadly to no avail. I feel annoyed at myself for causing this impasse and I am frustrated that for one stupid piece of chocolate I have hindered the progress we have been making, learning to feel my alters.
How do I rectify this, well honestly I don’t know, I am watching more cartoons than ever, I am eating treats specifically for the little parts of me who I am surmising ate the chocolate in the first place. I keep saying sorry over and over, and trying to explain my reactions, now of all of this is done through internal dialogue which is still an odd concept for me anyway. But still there has been no feelings, and the longer the silence the more I realise how much damage my words, my anger has done.
If I could turn back time I don’t know if I would have reacted differently but I hope that I would, I now realise that I need to be more careful about how I dismiss or disrespect the other parts of me, they have feelings too and I clearly have hurt theirs.
I have therapy at the beginning of the week and how do I rectify this, will be one of my main questions as I am at a loss and I need some guidance on how to undo the damage that I have caused. I can only hope that with help we can repair the damage we have done at the same time as find a way that we can express our frustrations at the various things that happen as a result of being a multiple.
If anyone has any answers to these questions please let me know, I need all the help I can get right now.