This morning I woke with the intention of writing a blog on a specific subject, try as I might to set out writing I seemed to lose myself. Initially I wasn’t very attentive to the tell tale signs of a forthcoming shutdown, this is one of those occasions where another part of me has decided to stop us in our tracks.
This morning the shut down came after symptoms of sudden sleepiness even though we had only been up a couple of hours, and then as I tried desperately to fight this we encounter another physical symptom. I suddenly felt extreme pain in my stomach, pain that felt real, that probably even was, but which had no physical cause in reality.
As my stomach pains got worse I tried to tell myself they’d pass, I kept thinking of what may caused this but couldn’t really think of anything. I never once sensed that just maybe this was an alter, another part of me who was unhappy. I kept thinking of physical reasons for the symptoms which I couldn’t fathom.
I can’t say fully what happened next, but from what I am told I laid down to rest on the sofa, saying I felt unwell. When I eventually woke it was 3 hours later and I felt like I had been asleep for just a short while, all my physical pain and tiredness had vanished.
I was to say the least exasperated by this loss of a chunk of time and especially as I had quite a few things to get done today. In frustration I called my daughter and explained how I felt, what had happened and just how much this was unfair. As I talked it suddenly dawned on me that it was unfair of me to be cross or frustrated at this other part of me, who clearly had issues over my writing the blog.
I am slowly learning to understand that I have to think of the views and feelings of the alters, the other parts of me. It’s not easy and I am at times bewildered by all of this, yet unlike many who read this blog who only have themselves to think off, I have to take into the alters who make up the person known as Carol.
I have spent this afternoon talking internally, reassuring the alters that today’s blog won’t be on the subject I had intended, I am hopeful they will let me write that blog soon especially now I have reassured them of my intentions and that we are safe.
In fact I can’t be certain but I think they may have intended for this kind of blog to be written instead and why not, they are as much a part of me as I am and this is our blog even though I write it.
Shut downs are not easy, they come when you least expect them and they interrupt my life, they make planning things difficult and they mean we have to be mindful of how we feel physically so we can sense when an alter is trying to tell me something.
Today I have missed the opportunity to get certain tasks done that needed doing and now go on my to do list for tomorrow instead. I have to accept that it just wasn’t meant to be today and that there isn’t any point in being upset or annoyed by this incident.
I am sure that the alter who was unhappy had tried to probably tell me in another way, I just wasn’t able to read the feelings. I still have a long way to go I guess in fully comprehending the feelings we are now encountering. The alter had in truth a good reason to worry the subject is one that could have some risks to it and maybe just maybe they are trying to protect me just as they did when I was a child.
I guess I am not yet able to stop these moments of tiredness but they have reduced greatly over time, and tend to now be when I don’t take account of the feelings of the other parts of me. This is something I am slowly learning to do take account of their feelings, their views and opinions, but it is rather complex and it takes time.
In truth though I owe these parts of me so much because without them taking the pain of my past, protecting me and holding my memories I know that I wouldn’t have survived. I wouldn’t be here today writing this blog, I wouldn’t have a future and I wouldn’t have the joy my children bring me and I wouldn’t have the current day positive memories to go alongside the difficult painful ones of my past.
Having Dissociative Identity Disorder isn’t easy its tough at times and there are moments when I wonder if I will get through the difficulties of my past, will I ever get used to being a multiple. Yet it’s days like today when I realise just how much the alters are still trying to protect me, and then I begin to understand just how much they have given me. For all the tough things that come with being a multiple without the alters I wouldn’t have a future.
I need to respect them more and take time to do more internal dialogue, listen to them and I guess learn to be patient with them. As I write this the cartoons are playing in the background and the rest of this evening will go to them. Whether that be more cartoons or drawing or something else it won’t matter they have given me the time to write this blog and for that I am grateful.
Maybe I am coming to terms with my Dissociative Identity Disorder I don’t know, but it’s a bit like having a family and having to take account of others views and feelings. Perhaps I should suggest that to my own family and friends just regard me as being a family, my alters and I we might all share this body and yes in reality they are all part of me, but the way we are, it must seem chaotic to many it certainly does to me.
Copyright DID Dispatches 2014