PLEASE EXERCISE SELF CARE WHEN READING THIS BLOG
This morning as I woke I would have rather hidden under the duvet than face the world. Why You may ask, given its the start of a new week and I was feeling ok yesterday, especially after spending time amongst my church family.
It’s a question I started the morning asking myself, as I prised myself out of bed and prepared to face this day. The fact I didn’t sleep too well maybe part of the issue but then again I am use to not sleeping well some nights. After much thought and attempting to understand my emotions and feelings I realised that I am worried.
I think there are a couple of reasons for this, one I face Therapy tonight; I know I will have to admit that for at least part of this past week I failed to communicate internally, and there is a memory that is plaguing my mind.
Internally communicating is critical to aiding my progress and it’s crucial to everything I do and yet this week it’s been hard to do the self talk we have learnt in therapy over the past few months.
I wish I could explain why, but there doesn’t seem to be any reason, just it’s been a rather manic week following my Care Plan meeting and I have been too focused on trying to deal with external pressures and cope with the chaos of switching alters.
The chaos of switching has probably been worse because we haven’t self talked and communicated with the other parts of me, guess I never learn! If I had only spent time internally communicating maybe the switches and emotions wouldn’t have felt so messy in the first place.
Don’t get me wrong we have had periods when we have felt ok, but each and every day there have been times when we have lost time I wished we hadn’t and then of course there is the question of what did we do in that time. I can only hope we have been in situ and haven’t wondered off and done things we ought not.
Thankfully having my PA’s and my Son around is some reassurance that we have been where we are meant to be, but then there are times we are unsupported and I guess it’s a case of accepting we have being taking calculated risks. Risks which I hope don’t come back to bite me later on.
The most difficult thing though has been dealing with this plaguing memory, it began just after my CPA and started with a face in a TV program which set my heartbeat racing and my head into a whirr. At first I couldn’t work out why this had happened the face wasn’t familiar and yet it had clearly set something off inside off me.
If I am honest I think it was the facial expression that was the cause and well everyone in society makes facial expressions, so this could have been triggered by anyone at some point. I pondered this for a couple of days and spent time awake late into the wee hours of the early morning, a 3am bedtime isn’t helpful.
I realised that I was bothered, I could feel the palpable agitation and anxiety, I felt the nervousness and recognised my breathing was faster along with my heartbeat which felt like it was racing around a speed track. I thought about the reason why so much, I knew I was ruminating and over analysing this whole thing. All that kept flashing into my head was brief flickers of images and thoughts which kinda made sense but not really. I find such times so frustrating as I’d just like these things to be in some semblance of order and structure but of course they rarely ever are.
Then yesterday I spoke to my friend who is due to move out from hospital, I am so pleased for her but anxious too. Not for her but for myself which may sound selfish but isn’t meant to be, you see she is moving to the town I once lived a place which holds bad memories of hurt and pain, a place I rather not visit.
In fact her new home is a stones throw from one of the places I was subjected to abuse and horror, yet I can’t tell her this it just wouldn’t be fair. The abuse I endured in that locality happened a very long time and the abuser is now deceased, I cannot let this mar her relocation or our friendship. Yet I know visiting her is going to be a mountain I am not sure I can climb and I feel worried by that, hence why I didn’t want to face the world today.
Of course recollecting that place has stirred up so many memories and fears, Its impacting upon my everyday now some 40 years after the original abuse took place. I cannot get the face of one of my abusers out of my mind. He was a close relative who I quickly learnt never liked me, he was volatile and angry. I felt like I was trapped, a captive unable to flee his actions and yet he called me his princess which of course I grew to hate.
I believed that I was over his actions, that they were left far behind how wrong was I, in truth I am still plagued by the actions of this person and he still has a hold over my life. Fear lives on, yes I am frightened of him, well the man he once was and I am afraid of this place which if I visit my friend I will see. It all creates issues which mean I am anxious about my friends move, no matter how much I tell myself it is safe now, some parts of me are yet to believe that.
I know it is a fear that I will have to overcome hence why I did force myself to get up this morning and not just hide away, however I know I face a battle to stem this tide of fear and anxiety, to stop the worrying going on inside my mind.
How I am not sure, but I do know it has to be done and it will be better for me and for my friend in the longer term. I do not want to worry her ahead of her move, it’s such a huge important step and one she so richly deserves, instead I am going to try improving my internal communication, I’m going to focus on keeping going and not letting the past destroy my present never mind my future.
I guess therapy will be interesting today, but at least it will allow me a chance to air my views and feelings and hopefully work through some of this stuff, I just need to get passed the apology for not using the tools I have been given. Oh well I assume worrying and anxiety might be an issue, an issue that I best get used to, feeling these emotions isn’t going to just disappear I think they are going to stick around a while longer yet.
Copyright DID Dispatches 2014