Internal confusion



The start of my holiday as a multiple hasn’t been as good as I had hoped, I thought I had planned and prepared for everything really well, but sadly I missed one important thing.

Despite booking and planning my trip for over a year I have never internally communicated that fact to my other parts of me, the alters. In fact it was only as I left home to travel to the port did this become a reality in my mind. I was aware of internal confusion by lots of switching and a mis-mash of emotions, at first I couldn’t understand why and then it suddenly dawned upon me I had never told the alters we were taking this trip.

I can only describe what I was encountering as my washing machine head, it’s as if everything is swooshing around inside my brain and the intensity is overwhelming, I kept drifting in moments of lost time and felt very disorientated. A bit like I assume it must feel like if you were inside a washing machine whizzing about and been shaken around, it’s one go my worst feelings.

Try as I might to internally communicate it felt like a lost cause, and I really didn’t feel like I was making progress. I decided to just give clear simple instructions of our day just as I do each morning when I self talk internally, so at least all parts of me who we’re listening knew we were going on a trip and it involved a coach journey and a ship.

I continued to internally communicate each and every step during that first day and then last night I spent time alone as in not with my companions, and tried to rectify my mistakes.

This has involved a huge apology to the other parts of me, letting them know I messed up and I am truly sorry. It involved a clear breakdown of our trip and lots of reassurances, honest, frank explanations and most of all clear concise truthful statements.

I have continued today to once again invest lots of time telling of all of me what we are doing, so every time the ship starts to roll to and fro in the stormy North Sea I reassure everyone it’s normal and we are safe. They know now I hope that we have books, sweeties and toys with us, they I hope feel included and involved.

I thought I had planned for everything this trip, brought all the things we might need, it seems I still have huge lessons to learn about getting this internal communication right. Most of all I know I need to think more about all of me, and that I can’t overlook the little things which are of course the most crucial like letting all if us know what’s happening, not just on a day to day basis but on a more forward thinking level, the next week, month etc.

I guess it’s only through making mistakes we learn, so I need to accept that I have learnt a tough lesson this weekend. I won’t make the same mistake again.


copyright DID Dispatches 2014