Trying to do normal life can be tough some days especially when focusing upon one task impacts on the rest of my alters. The last few days I have been attempting to complete a specific piece of work, its something one part of me is really interested in and it’s taken a significant number of hours and it’s meant I have neglected the rest of my alters, the other parts of me.
Normally each day I juggle the needs of all of me, now I’m not perfect and I can mess up yet it usually works itself out. If I watch cartoons; something my little parts of me enjoy, then I can usually get the time when I’m around to make an important call or pay a bill. Now it is a struggle and I have to really think about my alters in order to not neglect their needs, but we are working at giving them all time. In recent months I have also found that internal dialogue is vital, it is so helpful but it doesn’t come naturally and so again I have to really purpose myself to doing this on a daily basis, you see in recent months I’m learning that these things help, and so it important to all of me.
Yet there are days like in the past few that I forget everything I have learnt and make a complete and utter mess of living life as a multiple, someone who has many parts. My attempting to focus on this one piece of work means I have neglected to do the things which help me most. The reality is that I struggled to complete the work, I know I lost time and switched in the process and I really didn’t plan ahead or organise myself very well.
The fact that I neglected my alters has had huge consequences, I don’t think I have slept before 2am any night as once I stop my head is so frazzled it can’t switch off. My alters seem to be waiting for the sign and before I know it I’ve lost myself and they take control. I have apparently watched some junk cartoons these past few days alongside other programs but at stupidly silly o’clock. My alters are taking their time but when I should be asleep, when all of me should be asleep.
I have had more disrupted nights, chaos seems to reign in our life currently and I’m as confused as ever about everything and anything. I know it’s all because I haven’t used the techniques which help us but knowing that doesn’t make it right. It’s as if I have just taken one giant leap backwards and that makes me feel a bit of a failure.
I am dreading my Therapy appointment, how do I explain to my ever patient Psychologist that I just haven’t managed to put into practise all the helpful techniques we have spent the past few months working on. Will he understand or will he judge me, and if he does will that be as much as I think I am judging myself currently, because I am really unsure how I’d deal with that. I’m already feeling guilty, I am self critical as ever and I feel sad that I got things wrong on this occasion.
If I’m honest I have messed up, yes the work is important but then so is my recovery, so are all my alters and yet it seems I can’t have both. There has to be a better way, I just don’t know how and I so desperately need help to understand what I’m doing wrong.
I want to get things right, I want to be able to live with D.I.D and survive in this world and most of all I don’t want to be feeling like I do right now. This women who can’t juggle her needs, who can’t function as I wish and whose past is still controlling my present.
If I want to recover and progress I realise that I need to redress the way I work and balance things better, but that won’t be easy. The part of me that enjoys work and studying has had so much of our time, whilst the rest have suffered and I can’t allow that to continue. I tried internal dialogue this morning and it felt empty, as if no one was listening, maybe that is just my assumption and they were. But I feel as if they have stopped listening because I stopped giving them time and an opportunity to know about our days. I’ve batted down feelings from them when in truth their feelings are important and should be recognised.
I guess juggling the needs of my alters is a learning curve and whilst sometimes I get it right, there are times like the past few days when I get it wrong too. Life with Dissociative Identity Disorder isn’t easy I’m trying to live a pluralised existence in a non-pluralised world.
copyright DID Dispatches 2014