So far this week has been too busy, it’s felt like I have lots to do and my diary is full and yet I’m nowhere near as busy as my life once was. Busy weeks are something which I have learnt to try and avoid for with them comes additional concerns and chaos.
The more busy my diary is and the more appointments I have to attend, the less time I have to give to my alters, the different parts of me. That has been the case so far this week, less internal dialogue, less art and less cartoon time for my little parts. Of course there is an impact upon me when I neglect these things and I’m starting to notice that. Emotional overloads, switching and losing time all feel as if they are gaining speed and momentum these last few days. There is much more intensity with it all and yet I’m trying hard to keep fulfilling the plans in my jam packed diary.
My teen is being very emotional at times, I know this means she is finding things overwhelming currently and that’s difficult for me. Mainly because I don’t want to see her hurting and it grieves me to know a part of me is so desperately sad. I wish so much I could make it right for her but the truth is I’m not in a position to right now.
I have neglected her this week we haven’t had our usual conversations and I’m thinking that maybe that’s what led to her being emotionally overloaded. This afternoon I actually made a point of trying to communicate with her, I did the usual reassurance and then I apologised for not giving her time. My hope is that as we communicate more in the latter half of this week she will settle a little and her emotions which I feel, will not be quite so overwhelming.
My little parts have been very evident especially as I am switching from one part of me to another much more frequently, I’m able at times to be side by side with them; they control me and my body and yet I’m aware of what’s been said and done. It’s quite surreal and it’s also draining too and yet I’m consciously aware that I prefer this to losing time. Side by side is a positive when they are having cartoon time and I can communicate internally to them as we watch together. But when I’m busy and my only down time is filled with them being in control and me as a passive viewer unable to have any internal dialogue it’s not so great. I have witnessed their actions and conversations with my family, but as time passes and jobs don’t get done it’s irritating and difficult.
Losing time has been an issue too, I have lost track of the hours that have somehow disappeared and I have no recollection of them. Today I knew I had missed my tea time medication, I was actually quite irritated about it but decided I couldn’t take them so late as my night time medication would clash. Imagine my surprise then to find an hour later that my missed medication had been taken, it’s worrying as I have no memory of taking it or the time it happened. I can deal with the impact in that I will stay up late to take my night time medication and yet it’s the fact I’ve lost time I find hardest.
This evening my little parts of me got cartoons as I realised my neglecting them is probably not helping them or me, in truth it’s most likely the cause of me losing more time and control. I haven’t meant to neglect them or my teen but it’s just a busy week with lots of deadlines and things to do. Everyone has those kind of weeks when there doesn’t feel like enough hours in the day, the to do lists seem endless and you feel pulled between competing priorities and demands.
Yet for me living life with Dissociative Identity disorder, borderline personality disorder (according to the doctors) and symptoms of depression and anxiety busy weeks are just not conducive to life. I’m slowly learning this fact and I try hard to avoid them, yet every so often I make the mistake of cramming too much in and creating a busy week.
You would think I’d learn by now that I’m just not able to do the same level of activities I once could, I can no longer have day after day of being busy. Yet somehow I make this mistake at least once every couple of months and we end up in the spiral of decline which causes more lost time, switching and extra strong feelings from my other parts of me.
Thankfully despite tomorrow being rather manic things ease a little on Friday and the weekend will offer at least one free day. I can’t wait for my first free full day I know exactly what I want to do, I want to give time to me, all of me.
Next week is even better I only have 1 meeting in the diary and despite the weather forecast not looking too good I intend to utilise my time well. I want to throw a frisbee for the first time and I want to attempt another paddle in the sea. But most of all I want to communicate internally with all the different parts of me, especially my teen and my littles. I want to watch cartoons side by side with my littles, to plant more seeds with my teen and do some art too.
Living with mental health issues means I need to exercise self care and that is about giving time to the alters but it also means looking after me. So that will be a priority as well, it is as I have said before a bit of a juggling act balancing the needs of every part of me. One day hopefully I’ll get this juggling act right till then I guess we will have to keep on practising.
Copyright DID Dispatches 2014