Having had a weeks break in therapy it’s resumes early this week and now I’m desperately trying hard to keep things on a even keel before the session. The past 2 weeks I have seen some amazing progress, well I think it’s amazing progress but I won’t really be sure until I have spoken to my psychologist.
I am as usual doing my thing of doubting myself and my abilities, but I am clear that I have made progress it’s just how much I guess. The difficulty is I am rarely positive in therapy it’s as if I cannot go in there and shout out loud it’s been a good week! Oh how I wish I could.
The other week my psychologist told me I should be really pleased about something I had achieved with the alters, yet instead I had catastrophised the whole thing and felt it was a disaster. It was so hard to see this event as positive, as progress, yet in hindsight I can see that actually it is something I should be pleased about.
I think some of my difficulty is the fear I have of fun and my inbuilt belief I’m not good at anything, so many times fun came with costs I’d rather not have. Whilst fun would come with consequences so did any perceived under achieving, I was never good enough for many people especially my mother. Even straight A’s were a failure in her eyes and there were many negative messages as a child.
Yet in the past two weeks I’ve seen signs of progress and I so want to walk into therapy and shout it from the rooftops, but as therapy day approaches I’m terrified I will falter and end up walking in full of fears and concerns and not sharing the positivity I’ve felt this past fortnight. I’m afraid I’m going to sabotage my positive progress and falter at this last hurdle so close to therapy day.
I’m not saying the past weeks have all been easy they haven’t, I have had times of tears and sadness, concern and doubt, I’ve messed up with the internal dialogue I’m trying. Yet in the mist of all of this has been some real moments of hope and inspiration, of progress. I feel like my teen; who now has a name, and I are slowly developing a relationship with each other and that feels amazing. I’m kind of thinking that I’m making progress with internal communication too and that is huge as well. There are lots of things I want to share with my psychologist and yet I’m afraid I won’t be able too.
Now it’s not as simple as just having a fairly good weekend and then going into therapy still with a smile on my face, I so wish it was. I have a week ahead which always causes me difficulties, it’s nearly 15 years since my Dad’s passing and I always get emotional at this time of year. I don’t want that emotional overload to weigh me down and spoil this moment of hope.
So I’m having to dig real deep and use all my inner resources to keep thinking things are ok, to keep level headed and calm and not sink into that pit of despair I usually sink into at the start of each September.
I’m also keep needing to tell myself that it’s safe to step forward and say I think I’m doing ok, I think I’m getting this right and that internal talking is helping. But deep inside if I’m honest I’m afraid that I maybe wrong and that what I think is progress really isn’t that much or isn’t going to be ‘good enough’.
Now I know my psychologist will not put me down as others have done in the past and yet here I sit anxiously worried it won’t be good enough. That what I think is progress may not actually be progress at all, but the only person who is judging and doubting me now is myself. I can’t run away from myself I have to face me every day and this is really about changing inbuilt beliefs from my past.
My aim this weekend is to fight that inbuilt mechanism to judge and doubt myself and to keep my mood as level as I can. I am self caring for me with time out relaxing and giving lots of time to the alters; the other parts of me too. I’ve cleared my diary of business so I can just not worry excessively or feel overwhelmed.
I guess I’m protecting me because my aim is to walk into my psychologist this coming week and say proudly and positively ‘I think I’m making progress, I think I may have made huge strides forward’. That’s my aim, now all I have to do is make it through the weekend and into therapy with a smile on my face, one that says I feel good about myself.
Wish me luck.
copyright DID Dispatches 2014