Over the past couple of days my mood has taken a dip and I have felt flat and emotional, I want to curl up in the safety of my pillow fort but I haven’t. Instead I have tried to carry on as if it’s business as usual still going about my daily life even though the impact of doing so is not good.
By trying to keep going and attempting to shake off these feelings I have just piled even more pressure on myself. Instead of self-care and being gentle with myself and all my parts I am desperately attempting to ignore my own needs and carry on as normal. That’s included travelling a couple of hundred miles to visit a relative for a few hours, visiting my Dads grave which I don’t do often enough, seeing my son off to college and attending my care plan meeting.
Just one of these things would be enough to wear me out at present so all together they have been exhausting. Exhausting not just physically but emotionally too and yet I doubt many people will have even picked up on the signs I’m struggling. I am sure it’s something many people do, hide away their own difficulties, pretend everything is going well and yet behind close doors fall apart.
I hate the fact I feel the way I do, it’s so hard to deal with emotions which I can’t really describe adequately and that I am not sure which part of me they belong to. I currently cannot tell you who I am or which part of me has control as my emotions have flatlined and I’m as baffled as everyone over who is feeling like this. I’d like to say it’s not me but another part of me, yet I can’t be certain of that, for all I know these may well be my feelings.
Yesterday I felt as if I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide away instead I pretended I was ok, I wore a fake smile and I sat and ate dinner with my relative in a busy restaurant. I tried to make polite conversation and tried hard to listen to what was being said; whilst losing half a sentence here and there.
Today I sat in a meeting with healthcare professionals and tried to sound positive and look ok, I made an effort to engage with people, even though at times giving eye contact was the last thing I wanted to do. I tried to sound positive and talk about the progress I know that I have made and yet inside I felt confused and low in mood. I didn’t feel positive in fact if I’m truthful I feel quite pessimistic currently, this flat lining of mood is really annoying and it’s hard to shake off.
I openly admit I’ve been keeping overly busy in the past couple of weeks to avoid feelings, trying to ignore the drop in my mood. Yet I have had some positive days added into this mix as well so it’s all been a bit confusing and messed up. I’m not averse to saying I dislike feeling as I do, I’d quite like to know which part of me is struggling so much right now because it’s bringing us all down.
I’d appreciate having the chance to help whichever part of me is finding life tough and recognise that maybe this is their way of communicating with me. However I really can’t think what I need to do to make my mood lift and yet you’d think by now I’d have these answers, it’s not the first time my mood dropped and I can’t be certain it will be the last.
This week life is rather chaotic and so just being gentle with myself and hibernating isn’t possible right now, though I know in a weeks time I can once again take time to be me. Realising my diaries becoming too full I’ve already cleared it next week in the hope this will help and I’m attempting to sleep even if it’s disrupted and short currently.
I’ve missed my fun days recently so intend to try to build them back into my routine and I’m back at therapy in a couple of days time after over 2 weeks off, I’m hoping that helps too.
Emotions aren’t always easy to live with and when you seem to have so many different and competing feelings it’s even harder.
No matter how bad I feel right now the reality is at some point it has to get better, until then I can only keep trying to find a resolution to resolve these mood and sleep difficulties. If anyone has any good ideas I’d be glad to hear them.
Copyright DID Dispatches 2014