Internal communication, dialogue and chit chat

There are days when it feels like my alters are far more evident, days when I don’t block them and instead listen away to the cacophony of voices filling my head. This past few days it’s really been noisy inside and I feel closer than ever to a few of my alters; the other parts of me. I thought I’d share some of what’s happening at the moment.

Following a few days of low mood and a lack of motivation out popped one of my littles, M was nervous about therapy which was scheduled for Monday. She was around first thing in the morning as we watched cartoons side by side, she was certainly in control but I didn’t lose time instead it was as if I sensed her feelings and watched my body from afar. My analogy of being side by side is that of driving a car, sometimes I am the driver of this body, other times the passenger in the back seat aware of what’s happening but oh so not in control. Being side by side means I’m in the back seat aware of events but not in control.

M is quite nervous and gentle in nature and she was bothered she had upset my therapist from the week before. So despite lots of reassurance and my therapist emailing to say he wasn’t annoyed or cross M was clearly nervous about our scheduled for that evening. When my therapist had to unexpectedly cancel our session it really worried her, she was distressed and all her worries from the week before came rushing back. Yet I knew logically it was just one of those things and well we’d be fine till next week, we have skills we can use now to help us. But M didn’t understand that and so my morning was spent reassuring her and giving her time and attention, I knew communicating with her was helping as we now have two way dialogue and so she was talking back to me. Giving M time really helped settle her worries and that in turn helped me, I gain a better perspective on situations sometimes as a result of trying to explain something to one of my alters.

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Tuesday morning was L’s turn, initially I thought of her as a precocious little alter a bit cheeky and quite confident, but I realise the more I get to know her she’s not like that at all. Yes she appears to be quite confident but deep down she’s nervous and scared, she is fearful at times and worries a lot. She and I enjoyed chatting on Tuesday and as always she asked lots of questions, it’s clear she likes to know what’s going on and I think I can understand why as fear is a big issue for her. Watching cartoons with a little alter like L or M, sensing their excitement and hearing their giggles is an odd feeling to get use to, but it also brings a new joy. For I am learning to have fun, to switch off from the humdrum of day to day life and see the little things in life that really matter. L likes having time and she is getting better at sharing time with me and other alters, she is also one of my alters who likes to cook and so our chat on Tuesday was all about our next adventure in the kitchen and what could we make. We sat and watched a children cookery programme together and that graves us some ideas for our next adventure together.

Of course I don’t just hear one alter everyday, it’s not that easy or straight forward, I can be in dialogue with a number of alters at once, and will hear, feel or sense many of them each day. Yet the constant noise in my head, the rush of emotions and feelings that I encounter seem at times to be just normal now after all this is my life, my life with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I am slowly realising that understanding my condition is helping, it’s helping me to accept who I am. With acceptance of course comes less denial and that’s meant less blocking of the alters, so a little less losing time and a little bit less chaos at the moment.

On Tuesday afternoon I gave up my time, my control of this body and allowed my teen alter to take the reins. For me that means not blocking my alter, getting out the art equipment and just allowing her the chance to be herself. The creative art she accomplished in the space of a couple of hours was wonderful, and I felt so relaxed when I finally came back to the fore. My teen was more settled too and that’s helped with our ongoing work of trying to get to know her better. It was a real achievement today to actually have a dialogue with her, we still use ideomotor signals to converse and yet I am getting better at asking yes/no questions more naturally. Sensing her emotions is less frightening now than it was just a few months ago and the frequency of her overwhelming me has lessened. Some of that’s down to being able to converse with her when I sense her struggling and that calms her down, helping both of us.

 

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I know if you read this blog and haven’t got D.I.D you might think internal dialogue or chit chat is odd, you may well be sceptical of ideomotor signalling, I know I was when we first began using it. But talking internally and starting to get to know the other parts of me is helping, I may not be the best person to explain it, I may not fully understand why it helps but I know it does.

I’m someone who likes to logically rationalise and understand things, but there are times when I realise that all the matters is does something help, does it work. Trying to build a relationship, a rapport with the alters is helping and hopefully it will help me into the future as we progress through trauma work. But all of this takes time, time and effort, I know that it’s not easy and I mess up a lot and it can feel like I’m taking 2 steps forward and then 1 step back every time. It’s hard work and there are days when I wish others could understand what life is really like, the constant juggling of competing demands, the ever changing emotions as my mood speeds from high to low and back again. I can feel low in a morning, overly excited in the afternoon, fly to the land of confusion and mixed emotions at tea time and then be in utter despair by night time. My different parts all have different feelings, different likes, different needs and yet they are all a part of me, so I feel all these different feelings. I’m often asked which alter are you now and my answer often is I don’t know who I am, and that is how it feels some days. But right now my daily aim is not to block the alters out, it’s to accept and understand them, it’s to realise that internal chit chat is actually a good thing, it is ok.

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Copyright DID Dispatches 2015

Hidden truths -revelations of betrayal

Yesterday I realised just how much some Mental Health professionals have judged me in the past and how because of my Dissociative Identity Disorder I am at times seen as complicated and complex. You would think I’d be more able to deal with these kind of situations, but when the envelope arrived yesterday morning containing a few documents from my medical records I found myself quickly getting annoyed.

I had requested some very basic information, I wanted to know how many contacts I had had with my local community mental health team over a given period of time, and how many nights I had spent in psychiatric inpatient services. Simple you would think in this age of modern technology for any NHS trust to gather this type of data and forward it to me the patient. Well I thought it would be simple I was wrong.

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Firstly whilst modern technology exists it is only as good as the data entered into the system, my local NHS trust doesn’t keep at hand a record of such things. Instead 40 days after my original request they sent me some documents which didn’t actually give me answers to most of the questions I had asked. For instance they have no accurate record of my admissions to hospital, well they didn’t send me the data. In fact some data was withheld because despite the various documents being about me, I’m not allowed access to them if there are compiled by a third party such as the private hospitals the NHS paid for me to be held in.

But what I did receive was eye opening, in this small bundle of papers were letters written about me from various medical professionals. They contained the reasons I was sent to secure services and the reason I was kept detained in a medium secure hospital longer than the psychiatrist based there felt I needed to be. I found out how people have over time judged me in ways you just wouldn’t believe and being judged well that makes me cross. I also realised how financial issues have impacted upon my care and how little my views and wishes were taken into account previously.

In one letter it states the reasoning behind my being sent from an open mental health ward to a forensic secure service. It states that I was transferred to the forensic unit because I was struggling with depression and self harm related to remembering and subsequently disclosing childhood abuse. The primary thrust of the secure placement was to ensure that I could engage in the necessary therapy whilst being in a safe environment that I couldn’t walk out of. Of course there was no evidence I wouldn’t engage in therapy, in fact quite the opposite.

To think that my move there was because I was depressed, self harming and in need of talking therapy infuriates me. If depression and self harm really lead to me being placed in what I can only describe as a hell hole, then it’s scandalous. Talking therapies are available in the community, I really didn’t need to be incarcerated amongst murderers and other criminals. But I guess it was easier for the local team to just move me on and not have to provide any support, that and the funding came from a different pot of money so their budget remained in tact.

In another letter they talk of my being kept in that hell hole for longer than needed, it transpired that my psychiatrist at the medium secure unit felt I didn’t need to be there he felt I should be moved to a secure rehab unit and yet my local team and others over ruled him, not because it was in my best interests but for budget reasons. The local team needed time to put in place a funding request as lower secure services were financed out of a different pot of money.

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To think I suffered that trauma, that loss of liberty over a simple budgeting matter is hard, we never knew before. I took what they told me at face value, I guess I expected them to serve my best interests and my family trusted them to look after me and to ensure my needs were met in a safe way. It does feel like a betrayal, a betrayal of trust.

The letters that I now have talk of me having issues, being a nuisance, being complex, having flawed behaviours, having considerable contact with services and being detained. They seem at times critical of the fact I understand my condition, have insight and awareness, perhaps it’s more difficult for the Mental Health professionals to accept that.

Of course besides the letters, I still need the information that I initially requested and so I will have to pursue that over the coming weeks. It’s clear attitudes at times towards me have been misguided, professionals clearly unable to understand or consider my view point or feelings. It’s clear too that finance or rather the lack of it have played and continue to play a significant role in how mental health services are delivered. I can’t help wondering how many more people suffering depression and self harm are being sent to inappropriate placements for talking therapy when it would be far cheaper to deliver this in the community.

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The letters and documents I have received will now be filed away, I’m not going to focus on the past too much or let them upset and distress me. I know yesterday when I did get distressed and annoyed it affected my alters; the other parts of me. I had to spend time calming myself down and I did walk away from the paperwork and do other things. In fact one of my alters intervened she told me to stop, to put the file out of sight and not get upset, she was worrying about me. For once in my life I listened to advise and the file did get put down, I realised this could overwhelm my weekend. But I know now I am far better and worth much more than others silly attitudes and stupid judgements. Yes it hurts to think they misjudged me, to think they don’t understand but I can choose how I respond.

If I’m honest I feel sad for those mental health staff who have no understanding of what it’s like from a patients perspective, who feel threatened by patients who understand their condition and who have no idea of the impact of secure units on people. Most of all I worry that talking therapy for trauma and D.I.D is at times seen by medical staff as just impossible, whether that be because of funding restraints, time limits or a simple lack of awareness.

Copyright DID Dispatches 2015

Is it time to admit I’m in need of help?

There are times when having DID is a challenge, when I search desperately to be ‘normal’ and yet it doesn’t seem to be in reach. This past week I have found myself struggling with post holiday blues and the nightmare pile of laundry, but most of all it’s been hard to accept my abilities don’t always match up to my own expectations. My psychologist told me last week that I needed to accept that I was doing ok for someone with a trauma history and that my fears and limitations were normal for me.

Yet the harsh reality of life back at home is slowly kicking in and I’m having to comprehend I have issues, issues that for two weeks I tried to ignore in the bliss of sunshine and my holiday environment. I am trying hard to face the fact that for 5 months now I haven’t been able to sleep upstairs in my home, it’s a combination of factors, body memories, paranoia and obscure thinking and fears. So now my bed is actually in pieces, my room looks like a complete tip and it’s not a conducive sleeping environment.

I have tried to explain my sleep issue to people but I realise now that I haven’t been totally honest about my thoughts and feelings and yes it’s time I was. So today I have therapy and I intend to try and explain the issue to my psychologist in the hope he can help me understand why I am in this particular mess.

Some of me are actually fed up of the uncomfortable sofa we now call bed, and would quite like to sleep in comfort. Yet other parts can’t even face going upstairs for a shower and it takes all of my inner strength to get us up the stairs. I see my bedroom as contaminated and my actual bed feels even worse, I have some ideas of how this started but now it’s past illogical my thoughts are obscure and down right odd.

Since I got home I have kept thinking that if my Care Coordinator saw the upstairs of my home she’d be horrified and most probably concerned. You see I’m good at hiding how bad things are, I’m skilled at hiding the facts in order to keep the community mental health team off my back. I’ve learnt if I look ok, my hair is brushed and my lounge tidy they don’t ask questions. Rightly or wrongly staff take me at face value and are easily misled about how we are coping. So a quick squirt of body spray masks so much as does furniture polish and room fragrance, they think I’ve cleaned when I haven’t. Of course it’s not unhygienic it’s just a mess, it’s just too overwhelming to deal with and yes in my mind the upstairs of my home is contaminated. To think this all started from a body memory and a tiny bug in my room all at the same time, that was back in the autumn and now spring is fast approaching and the issue has escalated even more.

My care coordinator visits next week and I am thinking it maybe time I took her for a walk upstairs to explain just how things really are. You see I’m slowly becoming aware that if I keep ignoring dealing with this issue it will just continue to escalate and it’s already too big for me to deal with on my own. In fact it now feels so overwhelming I can’t cope with it, I keep crying about it and when I mean crying I mean crying. Full on floods of tears, uncontrollable and distressing for all of me and that can’t be good.

My reason for realising I need help, well one of me a younger alter has been quite blunt she has told me I need to sort it out as she wants to stretch out in a bed. She has been able to help me realise I can’t do this on my own and it’s time to ask for help, it is time to accept this is an issue of escalating proportions. It’s something I need to tackle and I can’t on my own, so with a bit of luck and courage from other parts of me I will tell my psychologist how things are and I will tell my care coordinator too.

Yet it’s hard for me to accept I need help, my life is all about surviving, all about coping with day to day. It’s all about trying to deal with my alters; the other parts of me, and ensuring I give them time, I listen to their needs as well as my own. That’s why this past week I haven’t done housework or food shopping instead I have slept a lot and been to the beach with my teen alter. I’ve journaled and communicated with my parts and I’ve tried to focus on ignoring life.

Well now it’s time to say I’m struggling and help is required, I’ve had less support recently and whilst we thought a new PA was starting, she has decided she can’t after all. It’s just one more thing that’s adding to the mix and piling on pressure, pressure I can’t face. Most of all I guess I’m accepting that my past is still affecting my today and whilst my normal isn’t bad, it’s just impaired because of the trauma in my past and I’m in need of help.

Maybe accepting that is the first step on this journey of turning things around and hopefully overcoming my odd thinking. Maybe just maybe I will get to understand why I think how I do and one day soon hopefully I’ll be back upstairs in a bed that doesn’t scare me or feel contaminated in some way, here’s hoping.

Copyright DID Dispatches 2015

Back to Reality

Well my vacation has finally come to an end, it was a good opportunity to understand my alters better and to be myself, whoever that me might be. Yet it was challenging at times too especially when I became overwhelmed emotionally and descended into floods of tears. One of the things I have realised these past 12 days is that my threshold for dealing with somethings is less than I would like.

So when the theme parks were busy I panicked and felt desperate to escape, sometimes we did have to leave early or head to another activity just to avert mass meltdown. The same happened when my outward flight was delayed and I felt like I couldn’t face a second day of the airport, on this occasion melt down did happen, floods of tears and anxiety levels off the scale. It was at these times that I would disappear, lose time and dissociate, my means of escape I guess from things I cannot deal with.

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It’s hard to comprehend that I still naturally dissociate when things become too much for me, my inbuilt mechanism is to hide. My window of tolerance isn’t great and so my brain instantly kicks into overdrive and the fight or flight response kicks in. In my case their isn’t much fight, no I take flight and dissociate unable to deal with things that I guess for most people are manageable.

I’m also aware that whilst there have been many moments of co-awareness during my time away; times when I may not be in control of this body of mine or my speech or reactions I am at least aware of what the other parts of me are doing, there have been periods of lost time. My daughter tells me that I have switched quite considerably at points and sometimes it has been hard for her to keep track of which part of me is out.

I know that I have found it hard at times just to know who I am, to understand which alter, which part of me is in control. I know that it’s not me but even then I can’t say which part of me is most strong, most in control and I find this frustrating as it’s something I feel I ought to know. Perhaps I’m being a little hard on myself setting expectations that are just not possible to meet at this moment in time, but it still feels frustrating.

 

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Over the past 12 days I have been very aware of certain alters who have been more prominent and the time away has given me a chance to get to understand these parts better. There are a couple of little parts who clearly have enjoyed the characters we met and rides we went on, but I’m also aware of their fears too. They clearly feel uncomfortable having fun, they stress over getting things wrong and they worry there will be a price to pay for them enjoying themselves. I’ve spent so much time trying to reassure them and can only hope they see that today there aren’t consequences like in the past. I now know my teen alter is terrified of the dark and I do mean terrified, yet I have found reassuring her at these moments has helped. I’m even more aware now that she has an artistic nature, it’s been a joy to be co-aware whilst she has looked at the designs and textures all around her.

Now though we return back to normality, back to everyday life and I am nervous of how that will go, will it feel overwhelming like the last time I went away. I’m worried I won’t be able to be myself, to give all the different parts of me time in the way I have been able whilst we have been away. I’m concerned I will block my alters once again which I know isn’t a good thing to do. I guess only time will tell and my main job now is to keep moving forwards and to keep trying to work with my alters.

Today as I land back in the UK I am grateful I have a therapy appointment this evening, as this will give me an opportunity to talk through some of my concerns and fears. In fact I’ve never been more glad of a therapy appointment there is so much I want to discuss, things I need help rationalising. Hopefully jet lag won’t prevent me from being there or from being an active participant in the session, here’s hoping.

Copyright DID Dispatches 2015

On Vacation with my Alters

 

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I thought I’d share a little of what it’s like vacationing with alters, after all holidays are different and I guess more challenging as well. You see I am trying to entertain not just me the adult but my alters; the other parts of me too and that includes child and teenage parts, who all have differing likes and dislikes. My family tell me that going on holiday with me is a bit like taking a coach load of people on a trip, we are forever changing what we’d like to do and well you can’t please all of me at the same time.

For me it can be both interesting and challenging as I switch from one alter to another, and well my head is full of chaos and noise at times. There have been moments when I have felt overwhelmed by the competing demands and others were it’s felt just right. I think I am slowly learning to not be so hard on myself and to accept that at times I will get things wrong, but what’s important is I tried and that’s a start.

This past week I have found myself hugging characters with a glee and excitement that is surreal, as little parts of me take control. We have been on a flying elephant ride ‘Dumbo’ and gone in search of ‘Finding Nemo’ as well as watched Mickey and Minnie and Co dance around. Yet I have also found myself at the Space Center lunching with an astronaut and paddling in the cool waters of the Atlantic Ocean. My teen has enjoyed the two art shops we ventured too, she certainly hurt my purse but I know she was happy and that’s what’s important.

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My packing for this trip was done by adult me, as I have taken a bit of a back seat this week much of that packing hasn’t been worn, my younger parts have totally different dress sense to me. My eating habits have also been erratic as different parts of me seem to like different foods, some parts are fearful of food so that’s made life awkward. In one restaurant we went to the younger guests were being encouraged to dance around on hobby horses in a parade, there was a strong desire from young parts of me to join in though it would have looked a bit odd to say the least. Thankfully my daughter managed to distract those parts with gooey pudding and my dignity remained intact.

Different alters like different activities, and sometimes what one likes another is fearful of and this can lead to feelings of fear gripping me mid way through an activity. I have spent so much time internally communicating that I feel as if I have neglected my daughter, who at times I am just too busy to talk to. Of course I’m not silent there is communication going on it’s just internally and others can’t see or ear that internal dialogue.

Taking a trip away is complicated, but it’s also good too and so far despite the odd meltdown moment we are surviving. I guess you could say we are doing better than surviving, I am letting go off control and giving over control of this body I share with my alters to the alters at times. I have been surprised by the amount of co-awareness that I have had during this vacation, it’s a positive sign things are slowly improving. I have established some key triggers so am now able to plan ahead and work around these more which is helpful. I’m also conscious of the needs of certain alters and by offering reassurance found that this has helped, it has certainly given my teen alter more opportunities to learn things are safer today; than in the past where she still thinks and feels she lives.

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I’m learning to have fun as well, paddling on the beach was my chance to experience an activity that until last Summer I wouldn’t dare undertake. I’m realising too that it’s ok to smile and laugh at silly things, that I don’t have to be serious all the time and I’m more aware of my own feelings. Most of all though I’m realising that the past doesn’t have to dictate the future, I can retrain my brain to think differently and to react to triggers differently. I’m also aware I have feelings for my alters yes I actually care about them, I guess that’s a sign of me nurturing myself and valuing myself. I guess overall I’m aware that despite my past, despite my Dissociative Identity Disorder life is safe today, I don’t need to let the fears ingrained in me as a child control today.

I’m off now to create some more memories, good ones that will last a lifetime and make me smile and laugh.

Copyright DID Dispatches 2015

Emotional roller-coaster

 

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This week seems to have been a mixture of emotions so far, I started crying at the airport overwhelmed by the fact my Ted had been taken for a secondary security check. The physical separation was just too much for my little parts of me and so the tears and panic set in and I guess all the frustrations of my delayed flight didn’t help either. The relief when we were reunited were palpable and I soon calmed myself back down with a little help from my daughter.

Over the weekend at the conference I felt myself switch from one part to another, and my feelings altered too. There were serious parts of me who sat and listened to various speakers and others who participated in the creative corner activities. Throughout this time my emotions fluctuated and I found myself questioning why I suddenly felt tearful and sad. There were times I was bursting with excitement and I can honestly say I felt the younger parts of me quite a lot. But there was the notably absence of my teen part who for years has carried my feelings and I felt sad and concerned that she wasn’t around.

Meeting old friends and new people at the conference was great fun, and at times I felt quite elated. I will write more about the conference on my return home when I have had time to digest all that happened there and I have settled down a little from this trip.

 

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On Sunday evening as I stood on the 15th floor of a hotel and watched the fireworks display over the Magic Kingdom castle I felt my younger parts excitement. it was strange as I didn’t lose time I was side by side or co-aware of the events going on, I just wasn’t always in control of this body all of us share. The little parts of me gasped in wonder and kept telling my daughter how pretty the fireworks were, they clearly enjoyed themselves. Whilst I felt happy that I felt their excitement and happiness which was palpable, I also felt a huge wave of sadness which I couldn’t understand at first.

On Monday I still felt waves of sadness crashing over me and as I sat stuck on a bus trying to head back to my hotel for a phone call, panic overwhelmed me too. So by the time 15 minutes late I spoke to my psychologist I couldn’t help my tears which had started to flow. Having a virtual psychology session helped so much, over 4,000 miles from home and yet thanks to my willing psychologist we still had our session. I was able to discuss my emotions, my tears, my sadness and the absence of my teen part. It was so helpful to be reassured that my emotions were natural and to be expected and to know that my sorrow was grieve for the childhood I had lost and yet now attempted to reclaim.

It may sound funny but just having time to to talk things through and to rationalise things really helped me and knowing I was placing far too much pressure on myself also helped to calm things down. Once my session ended I had a good old cry and let out some of the frustrations and fears of the past few days, it was much needed. Accepting and acknowledging grieve was vital and it was also vital I acknowledged that I missed my teen part. Yes I understood why she might be absent and yet I had not really acknowledged I missed her and I actually cared about her.
The last time I came to florida I didn’t have internal dialogue nor did I have any sense of co- awareness instead I just lost time. Today I feel like I am getting to know the different alters and I feel quite emotionally attached to some of them, these alters are after all me, just different parts of me.

That afternoon my daughter and I visited our first theme park and soon I felt little parts excitement and giggles, seeing Mickey Mouse I was filled with wonder and awe. I guess the feelings of the little me who never witnessed or experienced such feelings as a child, who wasn’t able to enjoy this experience first hand before. It felt magical and it was fun but most of all it felt good and all the while. I kept talking internally to ensure the alters and I shared these experiences together.

Late in the afternoon as I waited in line for a ride I found myself drawn to the designs and textures of the characters and theming, Suddenly I sensed my teen part was present, I chatted to her in my usual way and she responded using the ideomotor signalling technique we have learnt. To say I was elated would be an understatement, I was ecstatic to feel her because I really was concerned about that part of me. Sharing time and fun with her brought about it’s own mixture of emotions and yet these were happy ones.

 

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Over the past few days it has been an emotional roller-coaster ride, I have switched openly and freely and though I have lost time I have managed to enjoy some co-awareness as well. I have found myself grieving for the childhood I never had and also celebrating at the memories I am now creating for myself. I have been able to experience those child like feelings of wonder and excitement today and whilst they maybe a little late at least I am experiencing them now.

There has been a whole cacophony of emotions, ranging from sadness and sorrow to exhilaration and happiness. I have switched frequently and in doing so have learnt much about the different parts of me. I now know certain parts find the dark scary and need more reassurance, whilst others are just so happy to be enjoying this time away. I’m sensing the different characteristics of my parts more and that can only be good, as I will use this acquired knowledge to help us as we move forward.

So the forecast for the next few days of my holiday well it’s tears and tantrums, sadness and sorrow and happiness and excitement. I’ll update the blog again over the coming days of my adventures learning to understand the various parts of me, one things for certain life with Dissociative Identity Disorder is far from boring.

Copyright DID Dispatches 2015

Escaping to fun.

Escaping to Disney World allows me a safe environment in which I can be myself, it allows me the opportunity to let my younger alters take the reins and have fun. It’s a place where I know I can switch freely and not worry so much at other people’s attitudes and responses. Quite simply it’s a place grown ups can go to have fun, to be there inner child and run riot, within the law of course.
For me and my little alters it provides freedom and space to have fun as if I was a little child, to stand in awe whilst watching parades and run and meet disney characters.

I am aware that whilst it’s fun for my little parts it’s also exciting for the more adventurous parts of me, those who like fast roller coasters and the like. There is space and quieter areas too which appeals to other more gentle teenage parts and there is plenty for me the adult as well. Shopping and food are two of my favourite things so I’m not stuck for choice there as restaurants and shops are plentiful.

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Yet there is a more serious side to this opportunity to be more carefree about switching, the less worry allows me to let to of control of this body we all share and stop fighting and blocking my alters. It allows me a chance to try out working together with my alters, to improve internal dialogue and to work through some of those inbuilt thought mechanisms from my past.

This week I will be challenging the concept held by some of me, that having fun is dangerous and not permitted. That will mean lots of self talk, internal communication and positive affirmations.
I will also be continuing with the task set by my psychologist to not belittle myself, that means trying really hard not to use those dreaded words of ‘stupid’ or ‘silly’. Words which I tend to say too often about myself and always with a negative connotation.

So whilst all of me gets to enjoy some fun, there is a serious side to my trip as well and whilst it will be fun in parts I’m aware there will be low points too. My mood will be chaotic as I switch from one part of me to another and there is likely to be tears and possibly tantrums.

One little is desperate to see Donald and Daisy Duck another wants to see Minnie Mouse and my teen part is desperate to stroll on the beach. Lots of competing demands will make things far more interesting and challenging and I will be exhausted at the end of this trip and it will be tough to return home to a place where I feel more conscious of my switching, where life’s everyday pressures will overwhelm.

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Copyright DID Dispatches 2015