The influence my past has upon my today

Over the past few weeks I have found myself struggling as the past invades my present, my here and now. It came to a head when I received a letter from the hospital saying my psychiatrist appointment had been amended, I would no longer see the doctor I was expecting, instead a random stranger. I haven’t seen the original doctor for ten years, but the fact I knew he was ok had made my transition to the new team bearable, suddenly I was now being faced with a stranger, someone who might judged me and that triggered me.

 
I found myself hurtling back into the past and then came the tears, irrational thoughts and fears which culminated in me deciding I just wouldn’t go. Now if course on reflection I know not going isn’t helpful its just plain avoidance.

At the time I didn’t understand why I felt so terrified, so wound up and there wasn’t space to think rationally. I had thoughts of negative coping strategies which scared me too, but seemed the only solution. I really felt I was terrified of this person, that he was unsafe, bad even.
In the end once I had decided I wouldn’t go, the fear dissipated and I felt able to survive the day, but I couldn’t help wondering what it was I was really scared of. Using strategies I have been taught in recent times and speaking to my psychologist I began to think about why I reacted so badly, eventually I realised this was my past hurtling at full pace into my today. The fear wasn’t this doctor, it was the fact he could judge me and I hate being judged it fills me with horror and memories of my past.

You see in my past I was constantly judged, I wasn’t ‘good enough’ and no matter how hard I tried I didn’t hit the mark of perfection that certain people wanted. When in hospital I was reminded of this by professionals who didn’t understand me, who made assumptions that were often incorrect and then judged and labelled me – which caused consequences that impacted upon my life. Of course my reactions to the doctors back then, were influenced by my experiences as a child when no matter how hard I tried I seemed to mess up. So when I faced the thought of seeing a stranger who had the power to judge and label me, I was reminded of the past not just my previous experiences in hospital but those as a child.


I couldn’t stop my past racing back into my today and spewing my thoughts and thus my reactions, which looking back were illogical and very much out of proportion. But despite controlling in a fairly safe way the impact of this trigger, I felt wounded, drained even and so weak and vulnerable, it hit me with such force. In fact it’s taken me a while to recover not just from the event itself, but also from the reality that I am still so vulnerable to full on triggers. I think that has been as hard as the trigger event itself, coming to terms with my own vulnerability and accepting I still have a long way to go on this road of recovery.

I can recall a time not too long ago when triggers would impact at this force numerous times each day, but in recent months I had been coping much better. I really found this incident a huge shock, it reminded me just how vulnerable I can be and how unable I am currently to stop such events from happening. I guess you could call it a wake up call to my reality, the reality of a past that wasn’t great and that led to me having Dissociative Identity Disorder.

So I have tried to take more me time in recent weeks, I’ve been more gentle with myself. I have given myself time to think, to reflect and to deal with triggers as they appear. I faced a similar judgemental trigger last week and I realised straight away what it was, I just couldn’t stop my reactions or my tears.

I’m aware that I feel more sensitive and I have needed to accept I will be crying more often, to let out this mix of emotions racing around inside of me. I have sought advice about the upcoming psychiatrist appointment my first in a while, and I will be attending now. I’m no longer going alone though, I’m taking a relative to help support me and I have prepared a list of things I want from it and that I want to say.

I’ve been empowered to attend and take control of the appointment, so I aim to tell them I fear being judged before they start. You see I can either go in all meek and mild and let them control what is in effect my time or I can seize charge of this time. I’m not going to be bossy but I will be assertive, I will explain my condition and I will tell them that I fear they will make wrong assumptions. I also will tell them I know me better than anyone and all I can hope is that they respect what I say, if they don’t I have a right to challenge wrong assumptions.

I am afraid of the appointment but I’m also afraid of my past and I need overtime to stop this, my past has no right to control my life now. I’m slowly learning about the psychological theory behind my triggers, why they happen and what is going on in my brain. I’m finding ways to start to challenge this past as is hurtles into my life here and now, I realise in time I will hopefully manage to stop the past controlling how I react today.

My appointment is next week, I will let you know how it all goes though I do feel better equipped than I ever have to attend such an appointment. I guess that’s a sign of progress in itself, I just need to remind myself of that fact, especially as the appointment approaches and the panic sets in as it undoubtedly will.

 

Copyright DID Dispatches 2015

Processing the emotions of my past

Processing the emotions of my past

Please note some people may find this blog difficult, please exercise self care. 

Life’s been a bit tough this past week, tough because I’m in the process of trying to understand my past and the anguish that seems to come from the legacy of my abuse. I’ve found myself crying with real pain, but this is not physical pain, no it’s deep within and it consumes all of me. It’s a pain like no other, a pain of deep scars and ingrained thoughts knocked into me years ago. This hurt is the dawning realisation and acceptance that the abuse I recall actually happened to me.
You see it is often easier to just acknowledge the memory, to think it through but not get emotionally involved, to remember but not accept these events happened to me. Yet once you start acknowledging these memories, the hurt and anguish that goes with them it hurts so much more. Acknowledging the emotions that co-exist alongside the actual memory itself is far far harder and I’m slowly realising that this hurt is something I have to go through if I want to recover.
For years I’ve had memories, fragments of time that suddenly appeared into my subconscious taking over my mind and plaguing me with horror. I’ve been inflicted with flashbacks and body memories which do so easily catapult me back in time, to when the events were actually happening. But for years I lived under the premise of these events happened to this alter or that alter, I never thought about the emotional impact that I as a child felt when the events were actually happening to this body of mine.
I’ve tried hard the past year to accept these events, this abuse well it happened to me I may have dissociated during the actual event but I was still there. I may have shut the memories, the pain and hurt away but I can’t deny this didn’t happen to me. I can’t deny I was scared, I was afraid or that I felt anger or guilt because back then I did. I can’t deny any longer that I as a child suffered horrendously, that I felt terrified, that I wished I could stop them because I did. Looking back now I realise that I boxed my emotions from this time away, I wasn’t allowed to feel, to express an opinion I had to just lie there and endure, that was my role.
But today decades later I can feel, I can express the pain and anguish of those times and the inner child in me needs to do that. I need to be able to let go of the hurt, the fears and the anger locked deep within. You see parts of me have carried these feelings and these memories for so long and now it’s right that we express them, it’s time for them and me to let go of our emotions, to feel.
So this past week I’ve found myself crying, consumed with anguish and hurt because for the first time in my life I’m feeling the hurt from decades ago, I’m actually allowing it to have an outlet, to stop it from being locked in. I’m giving the emotional hurt from that time an opportunity to be expressed, the feelings I have well they are those carried by me as a child when the abuse was a daily event.
Today I maybe an adult, but deep within lies the emotional scars of a child who has endured so much and yet thankfully survived. Those scars need to break free and the emotions contained within need processing, they need processing by me. I’m slowly realising that it’s ok to grieve, to feel, to cry, in fact it’s ok to be angry, to feel fear and a thousand other feelings I’ve carried over the years. I do feel dirty, I feel used, I feel rejection and I feel angry, I’m angry that this happened to me. I’m angry these people felt they had a right to abuse me when they had none.
I’m slowly coming to realise just how much this impacted upon me, not just the physical scars but the emotional too. You see being unable to express emotions over the years has taken a real toll on me. I’m scared of anger, I’m uncomfortable when I cry or feel overwhelmed and I find my emotional reactions to events quite alarming at times, because emotions feel alien to me.
I know that feeling and processing those emotions, my emotions is a huge part of my healing journey. It’s so critical to feel and to understand why I think and feel the way I do about many things. To acknowledge my grief, my hurt and to accept that these feelings are ok, they are safe and I’m ok to express them. So right now I’m accepting I need to take care of me, that I need to let my tears flow and that its safe. I used to think they’d overwhelm me and never stop but I know now that if I needed to stop crying to answer the phone or deal with an emergency I could stop them. I know that if they consume me and it becomes too much I can take a break from the pain they hold, I can say that’s enough for now I’ll feel some more tomorrow.
I know that this hurt and pain will take time to pass, indeed processing the emotions from the past will take sometime. But I know it’s better to start processing than leave them unworked through and full of their deadly sting which they hold. In time processing will lessen that sting and it will mean these memories and the emotional baggage they contain will not be able to come bite me again, they will not have the same hold over me.
Right now I’m slowly learning to manage my emotions, I’m coming to terms with the past and all the scars it contains. I’m taking time out in order to allow those emotions to be safely expressed and I’m ensuring all the parts of me have time too. Time to cry, to laugh, to shout and to feel but most of all to have time to heal, for that’s what this journey is all about. So I’ve structured my diary to give me some space, some free time and I’m ensuring I have space to think, to communicate internally and to work through these emotions, this legacy from my past one teeny tiny step at a time.
Copyright DID Dispatches 2015

Funding Update

 

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An update on funding, well I have spent so much time chasing Clinical Commissioning Groups regards my therapy funding this week I think my phone bill will have quadrupled. However some slight good news came through at the end of this week which at least means my psychology session this next week will not be my last.

Despite telling me the decision to cancel my funding was concrete and non reversible, it seems that if you explain the guidance that CCG’s must operate under and point out you won’t just accept their decision, they take notice. I’m not sure if it was the numerous phone calls I made, my blog or the tweets that filled my time line on Monday and Tuesday of this week, but something made them think again.

I received a call from the team responsible for the funding from Shropshire CCG advising me that they had given some thought to the situation. They spelt out that the law says they do not have to pay for my treatment any more, but that Cheshire CCG now needs to and then what I was told stunned me. The lady said ‘However’ and then followed a pause that felt like it lasted forever as I waited with baited breath, the lady continued ‘we do feel it is important that there isn’t a gap in your treatment’. She went onto explain that whilst they negotiate with Cheshire, Shropshire will continue to fund treatment in the interim, to enable continuity of care. To be honest I didn’t believe her at first, after all I had endured so many closed doors just the day before when they showed no care or concern.

I’m not normally brave enough to ask for things in writing, but before I realised the words came tumbling out and she agreed to email me. Unsurprisingly I sat nervously as I waited, was this true had they had a change of heart, and then an email came confirming that for the interim whilst the two CCGs talk I’m not playing piggy in the middle. I asked Shropshire if they’d started dialogue with Cheshire and they said No, which I found a bit odd after all surely they need too, so in the spirit of helping things along I shared the telephone numbers of the opposite CCG with each of them. I’m hoping dialogue happens now as it most probably should have many months ago.

The call gave me a moment when I felt a wave of relief rush over me, immediately followed by worries over various ‘what ifs’ that crossed my mind. What if Cheshire say No, will treatment stop, what if Shropshire change their minds again, what if it all takes too long and funding isn’t sorted in time. Interim means just interim, short term, is funding within the NHS ever a quick process, I’ve never known it to be.

I have to confess I sent the email onto various people, to ensure my family and my therapist all knew that this decision had been made. I spoke to my current CMHT who were still very perplexed and felt truly in the dark about the entire matter, but I think relieved it was for now temporarily sorted. Then I just sat on my own and reflected upon the past few days and the future challenges we face. I cried part in relief and part in fear, such was the weight of emotional turmoil I have felt under this week.

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It’s clear I have really found this stressful and it’s an ongoing issue which continues to cause me anxiety, I’m aware that these funding changes also reflect other changes that I will now encounter. My CMHT is very likely to change and the hospital trust that will deal with me will change too, I don’t mind this as currently I don’t get seen in my locality and that I feel is something that should happen. I’m more prepared for these changes but I am still anxious about them, will the new team know enough about D.I.D?, will they treat me as a partner in my care not someone to talk down to, or someone they can do things too? I find I need to feel an equal partner in my care, my treatment otherwise I feel out of control and that reminds me of my past, my trauma. In my past I was controlled and dominated by my abusers, so if professionals exert control over me it has a negative impact.

For now I’m just hoping that when the changes happen we get off on the right foot, that if we don’t it can be rectified without too much grief. I guess I’m hoping it’s done swiftly and that all this uncertainty clouding my head over changes in services and funding is resolved. I have a great deal of recovering to get on with and so I’d like all these distractions to be resolved, so 100% of my energy is directed at moving my life forwards.

I’d like to settle things down a bit, as internally the past week has been chaotic, parts of me are fearful, were hugely impacted by the thought therapy was ending just as it had begun really. Parts of me really struggled this past week, parts I don’t know too well, are building trust with my psychologist even thought they haven’t to my knowledge communicated with him yet. They felt aggrieved, bereft even, at the thought someone they were just beginning to feel safe with wasn’t going to be there to help me deal with their memories and emotions. In fact he wasn’t going to be there to help them.

If I could say anything to my current CCG it’s that I wish they realised the impact of their decisions, how much torment, anguish and hurt it caused and I want them to know I’m truly grateful they’ve given us a reprieve. To the potentially new CCG I’d like them to see me as a person, to understand how much difference my Psychology is having upon my life. I hope and pray they make the right decision, that they honour the funding contract and give me the rest of the time I was assured of 14 months ago to undertake treatment. To my new Mental Health NHS trust, I’d like to say please see me as human being just like you, please treat me with respect and understand me, all of me.

As I write this I know nothing is certain, nothing is guaranteed and my future, my life and well being are no longer in my control fully, but in the hands of bureaucrats and medical professionals who don’t know me at all. It’s a scary time, but at least there is a sliver of hope that therapy will continue for a few more sessions at least. I guess over the next few weeks I’m going to have to learn to be patient and try my hardest not to worry more than necessary.

I will keep you posted on this continuing saga.

 

Copyright DID Dispatches 2015

 

 

 

 

Learning More About Myself

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This week I’m trying to work through some issues about myself, it’s odd to think I actually put myself through difficulties by being over critical or judgemental of myself. But apparently I do self judge and it’s not good, I am also inpatient which I didn’t realise fully either until it was spelt out to me the other day.

I have known I’m self critical for some time, I mean I constantly put myself down and yet I had never realised how much I judge myself. In therapy the other day I realised that actually I am repeating behaviours from my past and judging myself. I think part of this is the fact despite thinking I now accept my Dissociative Identity Disorder, in my heart I still don’t, well not fully.

I have always wanted to be normal whatever normal is and I have always striven to just be good enough. As a child and an adult I always wanted to be good enough to be loved by my mum, but I now realise no matter what I did it wasn’t something I could achieve. Not because I lacked something or was flawed but because the women who gave birth to me wasn’t able to love me. It was her flaw not mine and that’s taken me time to both realise and accept.

As a child I was taught only A grades were good enough and so I learnt to judge myself and see myself as a failure when I didn’t quite make the grade. I also learnt to judge myself as a young mum and wife, my mother taught me to judge myself by her actions of judging me.

As an adult I felt a failure when I was mentally unwell and needed to go to hospital, yes some people in society judged me but that wasn’t my fault, those who judged me were being misguided. Since I’ve been home I have continued to judge myself every step of my journey, because it is a natural reaction that has been inbuilt in me by the way I was raised.

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Yet now I realise I don’t need to judge myself in this way, I can be honest with myself and accept my positives instead of being so harsh. This is a strange concept for me and it’s going to take time to get used to but I will, I deserve to. I am having to learn that in truth I don’t know what normal is, who is to say I’m not normal and other people without D.I.D are anymore normal than me. We all have individual strengths and weaknesses, no one is perfect and the reality is society is geared up to be judgemental. But I’m kind of accepting I no longer have to keep on judging myself, I can stop being my own worst enemy and just accept me for who I am.

I’ve also realised that despite trying hard to not be self critical it’s still my automatic response and it’s going to take time to change this. I’m also aware that I find being out of control very difficult too, which is another thing from my past and this is impacting upon me and my alters.

As a child I wasn’t in control, life was chaotic and my abusers were in charge, they dictated how and when I was abused. My mother dictated and controlled everything about my life and I mean everything, who I spoke too, where I went, who saw me, what I ate, what I drank, when I got hit, when I saw my dad, where I lived, who abused me, the list could go on and on. She dictated everything about my existence at that time she had total control.

In hospital the nursing staff and doctors had control and I found that difficult too, but people did not understand why. I sure now that the healthcare professionals who have treated me think I am just a bit bossy, disruptive and maybe even wanting to just be awkward and know too much. Yet the reality is I just desperately need to feel in control, this is out of a desire to not find myself back in that position of terror in my childhood. I fear not being in control of me, my life and what is happening to me, that fear means I do ask lots of questions and I challenge certain rules. If only the professionals understood me then maybe things wouldn’t have been so difficult, I know being sectioned was my worst nightmare for I was truly robbed of control, it was terrifying.

Today though it’s impacting upon my interactions with my alters, the other parts of me and it is causing me difficulties. My desire for control means I can’t willingly give my alters the opportunity to be in control, so instead they take it without warning causing chaos and creating many challenges.

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In therapy I find it hard to let them in, so use a vast amount of energy on trying to not switch, to stay in control. When in truth it would be the best place for the other parts of me to be open, able to express themselves and take over this body that we share. My fear of losing control and all the feelings and fear that this action evokes means I impact upon my therapy in a way I don’t want to. I impact upon my alters too in a way they don’t deserve and this in turn causes me difficulties as we encounter the challenges of switching, losing time and dissociative amnesia.

All of these traits, being self critical, judgemental and fearing a loss of control don’t help me to accept who I am, who my alters are or indeed that I am a fragmented person with many parts. I know all of these things logically, I can explain Dissociative Identity Disorder as a concept and understand it. Yet when I look deep within me my heart hates D.I.D, it hates the fact I lose time and it hates this fragmentation that is me. This has to change in time, because I have to accept who I am and accept my alters if I am going to make progress.

The good signs are that my Psychologist wouldn’t be working with me if he felt I was a lost cause, so he must think I can learn to accept me and Dissociative Identity Disorder. I guess it’s just going to take time and meanwhile I need to learn as much as I can about those traits I have. I’m trying harder to stop being self critical, I’m slowly finding ways of telling myself when I realise I’m judging me and aiming for things that simply don’t exist, perfection is a nigh impossibility if I’m really honest.

I’m still unsure about control and letting go of it to give my alters space I have questions that I need to get my head around and yes it will be different from before because these are parts of me, not people whose goal is to hurt me or abuse me. I know that accepting the alters who I care deeply for is important and whilst I know I hate the fact they rob me of time, I can’t hate them. I have to learn to accept them, accept my D.I.D, I guess if I’m brutally honest with myself I am a bit of work in progress currently.

 

copyright DID Dispatches 2014

Self harm and the attitudes of medical professionals

Self harm and the attitudes of medical professionals

 

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This week I heard from a friend who had to attend her local hospital to receive treatment as a result of self harm and her treatment was unfortunately not very helpful. This led me to thinking about the times I either attended A & E or was taken there by the police for treatment, usually as a result of self harming or being deemed mentally unwell and requiring treatment.

It is nearly ten years since my first ever hospital admission, but for many months before I had hidden the self harm that was taking place. I tried hard to wear long sleeves to hide the cuts and dressings which I needed to stem bleeding etc. I was determined not to require anyone to know that I felt so desperate and confused that I could only survive by self harming. This was in the form of cuts, burns, starvation, restricting my fluid intake or overdoses, by the time I was admitted to hospital my self harm was a daily occurrence such was the turmoil I found myself in.

I hid my self harm from medical professionals, my family and my friends no one but me; I thought, knew I was living this life. I can recall going out for days with the children carrying implements in my bag ready to harm, and hibernating in bathrooms and cutting during these days out. I would feel myself getting so distressed during the day that I couldn’t survive any longer and so self harm took place. Yet once it was done and I felt a wave of release that I had punished myself which I felt I deserved I could then calmly walk back out and carry on with life.

I was confused to such an extent that I believed I needed to punish myself because that way I would be safe from others hurting me, and I was terrified that past abusers would come and hunt me down and hurt me. I even had a notion that because one of my abusers was my mother that I was bad as I had her blood inside me, thus if I bled enough I would rid myself of her badness.

Now all this time no one knew how much I was struggling, the GP knew I wasn’t too great but all they kept saying was ‘take time out and relax more’, and ‘all women go through these phases’.
They never asked if I felt suicidal or what scale my mood was, they did eventually arrange for me to see a doctor and thereafter just told me I was on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist. Yet in the meantime I was continually told to ‘hang in there’, occasionally they’d tell me things would improve.

Of course things just kept getting worse and when I attended the GP one day and I saw a different doctor who asked to test my blood pressure; because I looked like I was going to faint, he saw the wounds that by now littered my arms. Recent cuts had been deeper and the blood loss alongside starving myself wasn’t helping me feel any better. It was then that he made the call and I was suddenly being sent to the local psychiatric unit for assessment. At this time I realised my eldest child had sensed something was wrong and had suspected I was self injuring, but we had both said nothing until I was en-route to the unit.

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A & E staff from the start were slightly arrogant and mainly uncaring, if I had to attend as a result of cutting I lost count of the times I felt to blame by their attitude towards me. It was as if they weren’t best pleased to be treating me after all in their eyes I had self inflicted this injury upon myself, they never looked beyond the injury to the person. On only one occasion can I recall a doctor being helpful, he was actually concerned for me wanting to know why I hurt and was I getting help for my mental health. He treated me like a human being and not an attention seeking time waster which is what many other medical professionals seemed to treat me as.

The sad fact is the attitudes that I faced ten years ago still exist today, that means the medical profession has failed to learn about or understand self harming behaviours in a decade. That concerns me because I am aware of the efforts of so many different groups including government health organisations whose aim was to educate about self harm and improve outcomes for patients. A decade ago these organisation were trying to produce guidance to end the stigma that exists around those who self harm, if attitudes haven’t changed does that mean their efforts failed?

Self harm is not something we should ignore or take for granted for behind every scar, every injury there is human suffering. I didn’t harm for the fun of it and if I wanted to seek attention believe me I can think of lots of better ways of doing that. I wasn’t time wasting either, I was in acute emotional distress and I needed help. I couldn’t explain the anguish I was going through, the only way I could find to deal with the turmoil that was my life was to inflict injuries upon my own body.

Be that cutting, burning, overdosing or restricting the amount of food or fluids I took in, each act was either an attempt to deal with intense pain and turmoil, or the result of irrational thoughts. I wasn’t doing this because I enjoyed it, truth be known I hated myself for doing it, in fact I loathed my scars. The reality was I tried so desperately to avoid seeking medical attention as the last place I wanted to go to was A & E where I would be made to feel even more ashamed and be stigmatised.

Self harm controlled me a decade ago and at times of crisis it can still take control of my life today, it is sadly my default position when the pain is too much. Now when I lapse back into self harming I tend to injure in other ways in the hope it’s less visual, but it’s still harming all the same. Now I am not proud of the fact I self harm and I don’t want these feelings either, I would like to be free of self harm and yet I now understand it is a symptom of the life I lived as a child. A life which caused untold damage and will take a long time to deal with and heal from, my self harming is a symptom of my mental health not the cause.

The cause is my past and today I am having to face the harsh reality that I was betrayed, abused and psychologically damaged. Currently I am feeling emotions for the first time and I am starting to grieve over the fact I was hurt, I’m starting to come to terms with the dawning realisation that the horrific memories I hold and continue to recall don’t belong to my alters at all. They just carry my memories, and it was this body, it was me as a child and a teenager who the abusers defiled. Believe me that’s tough, it’s a harsh journey survivors walk there is a lot of pain and anguish that has to be processed and dealt with.

Perhaps when dealing with a person who is self harming instead of vilifying them and judging them medical professionals should remember to gently seek out the cause of this symptom. They should in my opinion treat those who self harm with the dignity, care and respect they so badly need, and they should afford them the right treatment to help them move forwards.

Copyright DID Dispatches 2014

 

 

 

CHANGE

CHANGE

 

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Facing a period of change & uncertainty – I am slowly realising why I find change so hard

This week I have faced some changes in my daily life, for the past 21months I have had a regular Personal Assistant one who all parts of me had become used to. This was a person who we felt comfortable being ourselves with, a person who wasn’t going to run a mile if we suddenly switched alters, and who seemed to understand D.I.D. This week that person has moved on to pastures new and thus the search now begins for a new person to help support me.

This of course is not so straight forward, finding people who want to support someone like me is never easy and I need someone who is doing this as a vocation and not just for a wage. I have had my fair share of support staff since I left hospital and we have had seen both good and bad examples of support staff.

Given I am trying to lead as normal a life as is possible with Dissociative Identity Disorder I don’t need people to treat me as if I’m incapable or some sort of invalid, I need people who empower, encourage and support me. I guess I need them to help me redevelop skills that I lost during my lengthy stays in hospital when I did become institutionalised and to learn skills which because of my past have never really fully developed yet.

My PA’s are the lifeline that helps particularly when I switch alters to ensure we keep safe, that help us when we struggle and find ourselves ruminating or with thoughts of desperation and self harm. They are if I’m honest a crucial element of my being able to stay out of hospital, I don’t think that I could have stopped that revolving door of admissions without them.

When I first came out of hospital I hadn’t made a meal or a drink in more than 2 years, I had literally done no activities of daily living unsupervised for over 30 months it was so deskilling. I remember at the start asking for permission to make a simple cup of tea, I felt intimidated by the kettle, I hadn’t used one in what felt like forever and I certainly hadn’t been allowed to just get a drink at anytime of the day or night.

Hospitalisation was dehumanising in so many ways, imagine having to ask for every single drink being forced to drink from a plastic beaker and knowing the staff control everything and could and did quite often say No to a drink. Well that was what life was like for me in the secure units, it was simply controlling, demeaning and soul destroying. Acute wards were slightly better there was a drinks machine that operated set hours and as long as it worked offered some choice, but still the staff or the hospital managers dictated the times we could drink, often 8am till 11pm. One ward I was on allowed 6 drinks per patient per day which worked as long as no one used your allowance as well as their own, thus robbing you of a drink. The staff seemed unable to see the injustice if a patient managed to use all their allowance and other patients too. It was just simply impossible for extra drinks to be provided it felt like a form of control and one I never quite settled with.

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So when I came home it did take a while to get use to the fact I didn’t need to seek permission anymore, that I had freedom and choice. It was the same with food, I’d lived in a regime of set meal times, set food and often not that tasty either. If I’m honest the control I endured was similar to that I faced as a child, my main abuser was a primary care giver and she controlled most of what went into my mouth. Food wasn’t fun very often in fact it was a form control and punishment, thus to this day I have a problem with eating. Being in a controlling hospital environment didn’t help me deal with my eating issues it just exacerbated them and recreated traumatic situations and triggered past memories.

Because of the control in hospital and the deskilling it caused my support staff are important and they help me in so many ways, I am certain that currently they are a necessary part of my life and so finding a new one is a challenge. I need to replace my PA as quickly as possible in order to maintain progress, this is an important issue I am so determined to maintain the progress  I have made thus far. The departure of a PA is  always going to result in a period of change and uncertainty, it’s simply impossible for such events to not cause change and uncertainty, but this is something we have to deal with.

So now as one chapter ends my family and I face a bit of a challenge as we search for a new PA, and belief me that isn’t easy especially for someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder. As one of the difficulties that I have is that I find trusting people really tough and of course it’s not only me who has to trust but all the alters too. Now yes I understand my alters are parts of me but all those parts need to learn to trust individuals and because of the past we all have issues with uncertainty, new relationships and having to basically learn to trust a stranger.

Then of course there is the issue of change, having a new PA is a change which won’t be straight forward or easy. I find change really tough to cope with be that a new person, new place or new situation change is fraught with anxiety and leads me to feel really unsettled and destabilised. I’m already having to do work internally about the changes we face in preparation of a us finding a new PA. I have spent the past couple of weeks preparing myself and my alters; the other parts of me, for the departure of the PA who had become part of our regular routine.

Change is tough for many reasons, but I guess I lived in chaos for years, my childhood was filled with change, be that different homes, schools or abusers. Change usually meant something bad in those days and I believe it has shaped how I view change to this day.

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In the past year I have faced many changes, I have lost one therapist and gained my psychologist, a significant friendship has ended, a relative has died, my care plan has changed and now this current change. Yet if I’m realistic we have coped with all the other changes this past year we have dealt with them and survived so there is a chance, a good chance that we will deal this latest change.

I am aware of the issues, aware of my difficulties with change and trust and I have the support of my family who want so much to ensure we employ the right person to help me keep moving forwards. Perhaps we are slowly over time getting better at dealing with change, it’s just a challenge after all that we have to face and deal with.

Hopefully in a few weeks I’ll be able to write about how I’ve coped with this change to my daily life, hopefully it will be a positive update. I guess I can hope that this change is going to be ok of course I don’t know and that’s what’s scary, but then in all truth nothing in anyone’s life is ever certain. My main task right now is to try and keep all of me settled so that we can deal with this change, so that we can overcome this legacy from my past of fearing change and learn to deal with the issues of trust and change. Wish me luck!

Copyright DID Dispatches 2014

 

 

Searching for a good nights sleep

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Sometimes it’s the small things of life that impact me the most, in particular those issues that are key to living, especially as I live with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Sleep is often something that evades many of us, but when night after night it’s impacted by one or more of my alters it can become a huge issue.

I seem to go through peaks and troughs when it comes to sleep, for a while it’s not an issue I sleep well and manage to settle quite quickly at night. Then of course there’s the flip side those times when sleep evades me, night after night after night. I seem to have entered such a phase right now and it’s driving me slowly crazy each night I try hard to get a good bedtime routine together yet somehow all my efforts are in vain.

This past week I feel like I’m facing a losing battle I’m desperate for sleep and yet each night it’s as if I switch, lose time as I make my way to bed and then I’m awake for ages. My brain wakes up and when I switch back I just can’t settle, it’s obviously part of me or parts that are not keen on being asleep I just wish I knew why.

I have been trying those recommended routines of winding down, relaxing, a warm drink, you name it we’ve tried it and yet it doesn’t work. No one it appears has ever written a book of self help techniques regards sleep for those who dissociate yet the main stream books are useless.

Last night I lay there desperate to switch off my brain which felt like it was on overdrive, I couldn’t stop thinking about silly irrelevant things. I couldn’t say that one thing was worrying me because I seemed to flit from one thought to another and none of it made much sense. I guess it’s not about the thoughts at all they are just a useful distraction to keep us awake into the early hours of the morning. I know I need to find out why sleep is so hard in order to solve this issue and yet that is not so easy, I am desperate for sleep it’s just other parts of me are not.

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I spent sometime last night well in the early hours of this morning trying to solve what feels like an insurmountable problem, trying to talk internally in the hope that another part of me would give some clue as to why they want to avoid sleeping. It’s kind of like talking to an inanimate object which doesn’t respond back, so very much a one sided conversation. I’m not sure what the experts would say to all this self talk, I’m sure some would question it and label me in some way. Yet it is my only hope of finding out the solution to my problem, my only way of getting my sleep back on track. It’s also one of the main techniques that’s helped me in the last few months and that I started following the advice of my psychologist, so I’m sort of trusting his advice and this technique.

Last night didn’t bring any clues except a sense of dread about sleep, why am I or parts of me dreading sleep, what is it that seems to bother them so much they want to keep me awake for hours?

I wish I could answer those questions I wish I could fathom this issue, but sadly I’m still in the process of sorting this issue out. I know an answer will come I just have to accept it’s going to take sometime. I think if I’m honest I know that there are times in the year when certain dates trigger us, worry us more and cause all sorts of issues. I guess if I’m honest with myself it’s more than likely that this period is one of those times, a date that for some reason causes part of me to feel more afraid of sleep, or more likely afraid of the night. I may not know why yet, but I’m confident that one day I will know, one day I’ll understand and all of these difficulties will make sense.

I know that sometimes having Dissociative Identity Disorder is a challenge, a challenge that seems too great, or perhaps one that feels as if you can’t win. Yet I know deep down we are strong, we survived this far and we will survive this period of sleep disruption it’s not too big a challenge it’s just a hill we have to climb. The joy will come once we have climbed the hill as it’s always easier on the other side, we will make it and we will look back on this time and think oh yes that was tough but hey we made it.

It’s often the tough times that makes us stronger and a better person, that’s been my experience and it’s what carries me through. I know I’d love to sleep well on a regular basis and yes there will be times we do but like most people we will have times when sleep is an issue. I just have to keep focused and remember we can get back on track this won’t last forever.

Until then I’m going to be continuing to utilise all those self help sleep hygiene techniques, I’ll be doing more self talk and internal dialogue. I will be using art to help the other parts of me express their feelings and to communicate with me and I will try hard to listen to my alters and respond to their feelings. Most of all I won’t give up hope or trying, I may have less sleep than I’d like right now but I’m still going to enjoy the Easter period and try and keep motivated. Life with D.I.D is a challenge, a bit like a bumpy twisty road with ups and downs, that challenge is one I’m willing to journey in the hope of building a future out of the darkness of my past.

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Copyright DIDDispatches 2014