Melt down moment – the legacy of blame

This is a quick post but one I feel led to write. Today I have been so aware of how being a multiple impacts my life. Even when I am not contending with the switching or lost time, there are so many other aspects of dissociative identity disorder that impact my life.
This morning began with my ensuring time for my little alters so that entailed me watching cartoons as I know giving them time in the day helps with my sleeping at night.
But then I set time aside to try and get to know a specific alter, the one I have been feeling recently.  I could feel them but nothing else, so try as I might and with as much effort as I could muster I was hoping this might improve. 
I am not sure what I was hoping for but I felt if only I could hear them, after all they have communicated with my family so why not me.
But sadly nothing happened I sensed their presence as I was experiencing their feelings but I didn’t hear them. We just don’t have communication with them.
The situation perplexes me and causes me distress, I read on various social media sites that others seem to have this ability and they say they have co-consciousness too. What is wrong with me that I can’t make this happen. 
I began to spiral and get distressed this caused me to lose time, time I couldn’t afford to lose. 
When I came back to awareness I felt so low in mood, I felt a failure.  A failure because I can’t make the progress I think I need to, no one is placing these demands upon me except me.
But still I blamed myself and the tears began to fall down my face as I cried in sorrow and pain.
After sometime I managed to stop but felt plagued with thoughts of being inadequate and stupid.
Then it hit me, as a child I always felt to blame,  that everything that was wrong in my life was my fault. As an adult I still tend to put myself down and the feelings of failure today were just yet another aspect of the psychological damage which is a result of my past.
As a multiple and a former victim I have to deal with the psychological impact not only of the dissociation but also of the negative thought patterns that are part of my normal default. 
So a few hours later and I am no longer crying uncontrollably but I still feel an  inadequacy in me for not being able to communicate with the alters.
I can only hope this improves tomorrow and I know it’s something that I will need to raise in my next therapy session.