Getting my Diagnosis part 2

This is one of a series of posts about life pre and post diagnosis, the early years

 

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Diagnosis part 2

The two medical professionals who assessed me and diagnosed me with Dissociative Identity Disorder produced rather lengthy reports. As I stated before in my blog ‘Getting My Diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder’ their reports differed in that the forensic psychologists report covered far more detail, he had for instance assessed my level of risk. The reality was his report was potentially going to be used at a Mental Health Act Tribunal.

But I was surprised that the two experts came to the same findings in respect of my diagnosis of D.I.D, yet they did not know about each other’s assessment of me and the reports were written independently of one another. Their scores from the Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-V Dissociative Disorder (SCID-D) were within a point of each other and they had highlighted things which I really had no idea or understanding about.

At the time I was in a locked unit and had no internet access, in truth I felt lucky to have phone access as this wasn’t always the case. So trying to understand terms such as Dissociative Fugue or Derealisation was complex and difficult.

I also found the information in their reports hard to read as suddenly staring me in the face was the evidence that I dissociate. I had no concept of D.I.D and these two professionals both had to explain to me verbally after their assessments what D.I.D was. I was surprised that they had seen me switch alters as I had no concept of this, I just thought I had got tired and lost time and I was by now use to losing chunks of time.

In between their assessments and their reports the units psychiatrist decided she better assess me as well, so I was assessed using the SCID-D for a third time. I had no idea what these people expected from me but my answers were on each case as honest as I could be. I remember feeling cautious and looking back if anything I probably understated my symptoms.

Unsurprisingly she also deemed I had D.I.D and suddenly changed her view of me, she wasn’t helpful about this and suddenly my losing time and I now realise switching, became something of an issue.

The staff in the unit found it difficult that I lost time, and suddenly I was treated more like a young child than the adult I was. If I wanted to go out on leave I was suddenly deemed a greater risk as I could switch alters. No one seemed to understand that I had been losing time and switching for ages and nothing had changed except I now had a label and we now knew why I lost time. Extra restrictions placed upon me as a result of a lack of their understanding and knowledge of dissociative disorders was frustrating and just another thing I had to deal with at what was a stressful time.

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When I was informed I had Dissociative Identity Disorder I remember feeling perplexed and disbelieving, I called my daughter and said I thought the experts were bonkers. I explained what they had told me and the information their reports contained, I remember saying how perplexed I was that they claimed to have seen me switch.

My daughter didn’t seem so perplexed and said she thought it all made sense, it certainly made sense of her childhood. I recall being angry at her as I wanted her to support my view that the experts were wrong. I remember that as tears streamed down my face I hung up the phone saying everyone was wrong, I didn’t have other parts inside of me. Little did I realise that inside me was most probably in turmoil at my denial, denial which has featured so much in the 6 years since.

Eventually softly and gently she helped me to understand the things the experts had said, she helped me to come to terms with this new diagnosis and all that it entailed. Much of this was done via a telephone as I was in the unit 200 miles from home. One of the experts helped me too by allowing me to ask questions about the diagnosis, about losing time, and this thing they called switching. That help and support was invaluable and I will always be grateful for the time given to help me accept logically at least this diagnosis.

The medical opinions and their reports set out clear directions for my immediate and intermittent care, suggesting that I should be living back in the community. Shortly after these assessments were completed I was removed from my section and a few months later I left the secure unit behind.

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Despite the turmoil of being held in an inappropriate secure unit I was I believe fortunate to have the assessments I did, the cost of which were well beyond my own financial means. The circumstances at that time meant legal aid funding paid for those assessments and provided me with an answer finally of my diagnosis. I had had so many inaccurate diagnoses and labels attached to me prior to this time as many others with D.I.D do too. Without being detained I would not have had the assessments funded, so I realise that out of that difficult experience came some good.

For many certainly here in the UK getting a diagnosis is not easy, financially undergoing the SCID-D is expensive especially if you have already been involved with Mental Health Services before. To have any other psychological or memory tests is also expensive and these are not always readily available through free healthcare systems such as the NHS. I’m certain these issues exist in other countries too, especially where no free healthcare exists.

My diagnosis came as a result of the darkest of times and initially I felt desperate and confused with the label and the reality of that diagnosis, which I believe I had tried so hard to deny for so long. Yet today I am grateful that I know the truth, the truth that I dissociate , that I am many parts living inside this body of mine. Parts who at times take control of me and who I am still getting to know.

Copyright DID Dispatches 2014

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Getting My Diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder

One of a series of posts about life pre and post diagnosis -the early years.

 

 

Diagnosis part 1image

By the time I was told that the professionals treating me thought I had a dissociative disorder I had spent years in the psychiatric system. I had been misdiagnosed and treated in some awful situations and I was taking a multitude of medication. Medication that didn’t seem to make any changes to the symptoms I appeared to have. I had come to learn that psychiatrists liked to prescribe medication on top of medication and especially when you are a patient in hospital.

I knew I was losing time, I felt like I existed in a state of confusion and chaos and I thought people were lying to me. They said I had done things I knew I hadn’t and would tell me things I had supposedly said which I knew I hadn’t, except I now realise a part of me most probably did.

It was 2008 and I was stuck in a secure psychiatric facility, I was detained on a Mental Health Act section 3, in fact I’d been in hospital non stop for over 16months. I really had no idea what or who I was anymore and I didn’t realise that Dissociative Disorders existed.

The psychological team treating me had done a number of test on me already, these included a DES II form, that’s the Dissociative experiences Scale version 2, the Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation (MID)and a couple of others tests that highlighted dissociative markers. Apparently; though I didn’t know at the time, they had seen me switching from one alter to another and back again.

The dissociative experiences scale is a questionnaire which I had to complete, and it’s a useful screening tool for DID but is not a diagnostic test. It includes a subset of items which can be used to assess depersonalization and derealization. (Kennedy et al (2013)) It gives professionals an indication of those people who are potentially more likely to dissociate.

The MID was designed to diagnose all dissociative disorders by comprehensively assessing the entire domain of dissociative phenomena, including PTSD, severe borderline personality disorder and all dissociative disorders (Chu (2011)).

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My psychiatrist at the time didn’t believe in dissociative disorders and so she denied their initial request for a more formal assessment. But I was fighting to be removed from my section and was due to have my section renewed in just a couple of months time. I had already been told by the private facility treating me that my section was going to be renewed, no matter what happened or how I was presenting medically at the time.

I mentioned in passing to my solicitor (legal representative) that there was a disagreement between the psychologists and psychiatrist treating me. I mentioned that the psychologist had suggested I might have a dissociative disorder and I soon realised he like me had no idea what a dissociative disorder was. He had already decided I need to be assessed by a forensic psychologist ahead of my tribunal and the potential renewal of my Section 3.

So he arranged for a doctor to come and assess me fully and at the same time to check if I had a dissociative disorder. I told him I wouldn’t believe any new diagnosis because I had so many and I didn’t feel they meant anything. So eventually it was agreed I would see two different professionals who would assess me independently of one another.

These assessments took place over a month and as I couldn’t just walk out of the hospital and go and see these people, the professionals came to me. The assessments involved a multitude of tests and appointments, the forensic psychologist decided to visit me for what was 2 full days. He undertook every psychometric test that I think exists. It went on and on and I felt exhausted physically and emotionally after his visits.

There were tests involving papers to complete, multitudes of verbal questions and even picture of dots and shapes to describe. This doctor was actually quite assertive, so he wanted answers instantly it felt and I learnt later that he asked some questions more than once. I had no idea at the time this had happened and so was surprised when I found out at a later date. He duly made notes of everything and seemed to never need a break and he watched me like a hawk the whole time. He undertook tests on my memory and my recall and it felt like I was in a experiment lab being analysed from the inside out.

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One of the tests he undertook was the Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-IV Dissociative Disorder (SCID-D) test which involved a multitude of questions, he duly marked down my answers and the results of his observations of me. The SCID-D is a highly structured interview that discriminates among various DSM diagnoses. The test was formulated by Dr. M. Steinberg and it’s regarded as one of the key tests for Dissociative Disorders.

The second professional I saw was a specialist in Dissociative Disorders he used the DES-II and the SCID-D. His appointments were less formalised and more relaxed and he had spoken to me on the phone ahead of coming to see me.

Both were professionals in their field and highly skilled and both compiled lengthy reports about me which I still hold onto to this day. The results of all these tests were that I definitely had Dissociative Identity Disorder, I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t dangerous, in fact I needed to leave the confines of the secure unit and live in the community. They also recommended that I needed long term talking therapy from someone skilled in treating people with dissociative disorders. Both had realised that I had become partially institutionalised by the long term hospitalisation that had been forced upon me and that needed to be addressed as well and they gave recommendations about that.

The two reports do differ in part as the forensic psychologist contains more detail on certain matters that a Mental Health Act Tribunal would need. Yet they both independent of one another after days of tests agreed on my diagnosis, a diagnosis that I found scary, bewildering and confusing in it’s own right.

To be continued……

Copyright DID Dispatches 2014

References:
Chu, James A. (2011). Rebuilding shattered lives: Treating complex PTSD and dissociative disorders, appendix 3. Wiley.

Kennedy, Fiona, Helen Kennerley, and David Pearson, eds. (2013). Cognitive Behavioural Approaches to the Understanding and Treatment of Dissociation. Routledge.

CHANGE

CHANGE

 

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Facing a period of change & uncertainty – I am slowly realising why I find change so hard

This week I have faced some changes in my daily life, for the past 21months I have had a regular Personal Assistant one who all parts of me had become used to. This was a person who we felt comfortable being ourselves with, a person who wasn’t going to run a mile if we suddenly switched alters, and who seemed to understand D.I.D. This week that person has moved on to pastures new and thus the search now begins for a new person to help support me.

This of course is not so straight forward, finding people who want to support someone like me is never easy and I need someone who is doing this as a vocation and not just for a wage. I have had my fair share of support staff since I left hospital and we have had seen both good and bad examples of support staff.

Given I am trying to lead as normal a life as is possible with Dissociative Identity Disorder I don’t need people to treat me as if I’m incapable or some sort of invalid, I need people who empower, encourage and support me. I guess I need them to help me redevelop skills that I lost during my lengthy stays in hospital when I did become institutionalised and to learn skills which because of my past have never really fully developed yet.

My PA’s are the lifeline that helps particularly when I switch alters to ensure we keep safe, that help us when we struggle and find ourselves ruminating or with thoughts of desperation and self harm. They are if I’m honest a crucial element of my being able to stay out of hospital, I don’t think that I could have stopped that revolving door of admissions without them.

When I first came out of hospital I hadn’t made a meal or a drink in more than 2 years, I had literally done no activities of daily living unsupervised for over 30 months it was so deskilling. I remember at the start asking for permission to make a simple cup of tea, I felt intimidated by the kettle, I hadn’t used one in what felt like forever and I certainly hadn’t been allowed to just get a drink at anytime of the day or night.

Hospitalisation was dehumanising in so many ways, imagine having to ask for every single drink being forced to drink from a plastic beaker and knowing the staff control everything and could and did quite often say No to a drink. Well that was what life was like for me in the secure units, it was simply controlling, demeaning and soul destroying. Acute wards were slightly better there was a drinks machine that operated set hours and as long as it worked offered some choice, but still the staff or the hospital managers dictated the times we could drink, often 8am till 11pm. One ward I was on allowed 6 drinks per patient per day which worked as long as no one used your allowance as well as their own, thus robbing you of a drink. The staff seemed unable to see the injustice if a patient managed to use all their allowance and other patients too. It was just simply impossible for extra drinks to be provided it felt like a form of control and one I never quite settled with.

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So when I came home it did take a while to get use to the fact I didn’t need to seek permission anymore, that I had freedom and choice. It was the same with food, I’d lived in a regime of set meal times, set food and often not that tasty either. If I’m honest the control I endured was similar to that I faced as a child, my main abuser was a primary care giver and she controlled most of what went into my mouth. Food wasn’t fun very often in fact it was a form control and punishment, thus to this day I have a problem with eating. Being in a controlling hospital environment didn’t help me deal with my eating issues it just exacerbated them and recreated traumatic situations and triggered past memories.

Because of the control in hospital and the deskilling it caused my support staff are important and they help me in so many ways, I am certain that currently they are a necessary part of my life and so finding a new one is a challenge. I need to replace my PA as quickly as possible in order to maintain progress, this is an important issue I am so determined to maintain the progress  I have made thus far. The departure of a PA is  always going to result in a period of change and uncertainty, it’s simply impossible for such events to not cause change and uncertainty, but this is something we have to deal with.

So now as one chapter ends my family and I face a bit of a challenge as we search for a new PA, and belief me that isn’t easy especially for someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder. As one of the difficulties that I have is that I find trusting people really tough and of course it’s not only me who has to trust but all the alters too. Now yes I understand my alters are parts of me but all those parts need to learn to trust individuals and because of the past we all have issues with uncertainty, new relationships and having to basically learn to trust a stranger.

Then of course there is the issue of change, having a new PA is a change which won’t be straight forward or easy. I find change really tough to cope with be that a new person, new place or new situation change is fraught with anxiety and leads me to feel really unsettled and destabilised. I’m already having to do work internally about the changes we face in preparation of a us finding a new PA. I have spent the past couple of weeks preparing myself and my alters; the other parts of me, for the departure of the PA who had become part of our regular routine.

Change is tough for many reasons, but I guess I lived in chaos for years, my childhood was filled with change, be that different homes, schools or abusers. Change usually meant something bad in those days and I believe it has shaped how I view change to this day.

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In the past year I have faced many changes, I have lost one therapist and gained my psychologist, a significant friendship has ended, a relative has died, my care plan has changed and now this current change. Yet if I’m realistic we have coped with all the other changes this past year we have dealt with them and survived so there is a chance, a good chance that we will deal this latest change.

I am aware of the issues, aware of my difficulties with change and trust and I have the support of my family who want so much to ensure we employ the right person to help me keep moving forwards. Perhaps we are slowly over time getting better at dealing with change, it’s just a challenge after all that we have to face and deal with.

Hopefully in a few weeks I’ll be able to write about how I’ve coped with this change to my daily life, hopefully it will be a positive update. I guess I can hope that this change is going to be ok of course I don’t know and that’s what’s scary, but then in all truth nothing in anyone’s life is ever certain. My main task right now is to try and keep all of me settled so that we can deal with this change, so that we can overcome this legacy from my past of fearing change and learn to deal with the issues of trust and change. Wish me luck!

Copyright DID Dispatches 2014

 

 

My experience of Psychological interventions

 

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This week I had a virtual psychology appointment as I had my surgery on the day my session normally takes place, it was helpful to have a session even if it was via telephone. I know that without utilising modern technology I wouldn’t have been able to have a session at all I really wasn’t fit to travel or sit normally. This led me to think if any of this would be possible on the NHS and of course I know that it most probably wouldn’t be, the NHS isn’t able to be as flexible.

I am fortunate that currently the NHS fund my psychology under mental health act regulations and due to a lack of provision in my Clinical Commissioning Group (CCG) area, they fund me to see a psychologist from a neighbouring CCG as if a private client.
The professional I see works in both the NHS and the private sector and they are extremely knowledgable of Dissociative Disorders and trauma which is exactly the skill set I required.

Prior to this we received our treatment in various ways, some private sector and some NHS, I can recall my psychological treatment within the confines of the NHS as well as the private sector units we were forced to reside in, I thought it might be useful to share some of these experiences with you.

I can so recall my first encounter with psychology when I was a child it was very different from today, I was 12 and I had been referred by a paediatrician. This man ran his clinic in association with a social worker who I always felt was going to come and lock me up, especially when my mother would lay the blame for difficulties on my behaviour. The truth was of course that I was being abused at the time, I was in total internal crisis stressed beyond belief and desperate for stability and security. My Mother blamed me in order to divert attention from herself and at the time I was so brain washed into believing everything was my fault, that I feared my appointments with this doctor and the social worker.

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The psychologist saw me on a regular basis in a small first floor room, my mother would sit in on the majority of these sessions and would often see him alone before I joined the appointment. There was never an opportunity for me to tell how I felt, or the chaos in my life as I was too afraid to speak in front of my Mother. Having read my medical notes from this time I now know the doctor understood my issues were due to a difficult home life, he even labelled my Mother. I know today if that happened there would be child protection panels etc, but in the 70’s and 80’s no one took any action to protect us they just wrote their note and gave us medication to hep us cope. These sessions were not time limited in the sense of the number of sessions available, you saw the doctor until he decided you didn’t require his help anymore.this is a far cry from today.

As an adult in the 1980’s and early 1990’s I did get access to psychological services, often there were short waiting times and interventions were not meant to be long term. This was just a place to go and talk rather than move forwards, well that’s how I perceived it at the time. I cannot imagine short waiting times today, they definitely seem a thing of the past.

Some years later shortly after my first admission I was told I needed to have talking therapy, the psychiatrist was honest he informed me that if I waited on the NHS I’d be waiting for many months, so he actually recommended someone privately. Despite it stretching us financially my then husband and I funded my sessions, I found them difficult and bewildering, I wasn’t in a good place mentally and 45 minutes a week seemed too little. The sessions were disjointed from the rest of my care, I had started seeing this particular counsellor whilst in hospital and yet there was no dialogue between her and the hospital or vice versa. I was home a few days and then returned to hospital, it was clear I wasn’t making improvements, just spiralling downwards, so the sessions didn’t last long as it was clear it wasn’t the right solution at the time.

I then joined the NHS waiting list, this took some months but nothing like as long as today’s waiting lists before I was eventually given CBT. The session were even allowed to continue during my hospital admissions and there was a dialogue between the psychologist and the rest of the medical team. I didn’t realise how unusual this was until a few years later but I realise now that this joined up working between psychology and psychiatry is not the norm.
My CBT was time limited and I was not included in the planning of my treatment so it all felt very one sided and a bit like a them and us situation. I didn’t feel I had any ownership of my treatment, just a passive participant who attended and was talked to sadly, rather than a willing equal partner in my sessions.

When at another locality I was allocated a member of the psychology team I was surprised to find myself treated as a equal partner in my care, yet I was stunned at the lack of partnership between psychology and psychiatry. When I was admitted to hospital and the psychology team wanted to continue our sessions, it seemed incredulous to the ward staff that a psychology team member wanted to use one of the breakout rooms. It was a battle just to get the ward to facilitate a room for my sessions, that included having to challenge ideology that was entrenched in people’s minds. The psychiatric team seemed impossible and very unwilling to allow a psychological perspective into my care, they would make it so difficult to hold the sessions and put so many obstacles in our way. So much for a joined up perspective in mental health it certainly didn’t exist in that place and it hinder my progress and my care.

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In the privately run secure units, psychology was available but it wasn’t an equal partnership, the sessions were mandatory and the ones I had were held in a room I couldn’t really leave, everything was dependent upon them. If my therapist felt I wasn’t actively engaging or perhaps didn’t like my responses they had the power to take away privileges, be that access to my room, or being allowed unescorted grounds leave. I once was said I felt nervous outside, frightened of a past abuser and that I was pleased to be working through this one step at a time on my unescorted grounds leave, the next thing I knew they had stopped my unescorted grounds leave. There wasn’t any discussion or debate it was just a big stick approach, they held the power and I had none.

I used to dread my sessions for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, because I knew that she had the power to make my days in that unit a thousand times worse. It wasn’t about improving my psychological well being, but about wanting me to understand I was now controlled by the staff in that place. Having being controlled for decades by my abusers I had no intention of letting myself fall into that position again hence I didn’t fit in very well to such a unit with such an approach.

I know that my experiences are not shared by everyone, but I also know how little psychological input is available on the NHS today, it seems to have got worse in the past decade. I see the damage caused by long waiting lists, restricted numbers of sessions and a fixed approach on certain treatments rather than an individualised client focused service. I know that people with Dissociative Identity Disorder are faced with paying privately for treatment as many NHS trusts and Clinical Commissioning Groups cannot see the benefits of a more long term flexible treatment approach to psychological inputs. Yet the cost benefits overall are significantly improved with such an approach, certain trusts operate this more longer term forward thinking approach and their findings clearly demonstrate that it’s beneficial to all parties, hospital trusts, CCG’s, the NHS and most of all the clients.

I so wish this forward thinking service was available to all those with a need, be that Dissociative Identity Disorder or other trauma related conditions, instead of being a postcode lottery. Its time the NHS invested in psychology instead of focusing just on the medicalised model of pills and more pills.

Today I am only too aware of how fortunate I am, I see someone who I actually respect for their knowledge and we seem to have an approach I find useful, It’s about an equal partnership not a power imbalanced approach. I have to work hard in my therapy it’s the only way me and the other parts of me, my alters are going to move forward. My psychologist has a vital role to play too he has a wealth of knowledge that I require and he is the person who can help me understand myself and my alters. His flexibility to use modern technology to facilitate sessions when I’m away or incapacitated is exactly what I need; I now realise that gaps in therapy aren’t helpful. Most of all for the first time in a very long time I actually feel like we are making real progress, it’s small steps but it’s progress. I can see a difference in each and every day, the fact I am starting to feel, to understand my D.I.D and most importantly my alters is proof that this approach is working.

My hope is that others are able to access similar types of psychology via the NHS, it is after all the least people with Dissociative Identity Disorder and other trauma related conditions deserve.

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Copyright DID Dispatches 2014

 

 

Feeling labelled and judged

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There are many things that I; a person living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, finds difficult some of the difficult areas are as direct result of my condition, whilst others are a direct result of my past and my own self image.

Living life with a label isn’t easy, nor is it easy to live with the pressures that stem from society, a society that at times seems to view people who like me have endured a period of mental instability and illness in a different way.

If you look at my arms for instance they are littered with the scars of pain, I did at one point self harm on a daily basis it was how I survived. Today though my scars are faded there are times when peoples gaze is fixated upon them, they give an awkward inquisitive kind of frown and sometimes ask those questions that I wish they’d never ask. “Have you been in a fight with a cat” was the strangest question I ever had, but the usual is ‘”oh! did you do that yourself'”.

I’m not sure what people want me to say in these circumstances, but I have learnt over the years honesty is the best approach, yes occasionally it leaves others slightly shocked but I am in all truth no longer ashamed of the scars, they just reflect a period of my life. Yet I do find it hard that I am judged, often by those who have no idea what it’s like to be in that kind of intolerable pain that leads to self harm.

The same awkwardness can happen when I lose time, personally I get frustrated with myself its something I really hate doing and yet what’s worse is often the fact that people don’t always understand, I can’t help the fact I lose time or say the same thing over and over again in a slightly different way. Yet it means we stand out from the norm as as such are open to criticism and judgement.

When I was an in-patient in a locked rehab unit, a secure facility with an airlock as standard, the local taxi firm wouldn’t collect people from the unit, they judged without any real information. Ignorance I guess led people to hold a view that was without foundation and based upon stigma. The patients, well we were judged, it was as if we some how became pariahs just because we needed help and were being detained in this unit.

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As an informal patient there I regularly attended a local community group if a new person asked me where I lived I would just say the street name and not the place, I’d tolerate the comments of sympathy at having “those people as my neighbours”. they meant me of course but I never told them I was one of the patients.  I regret now not being brave enough to face them to let them say their piece and then reply “oh you mean me, I’m a patient.”.

Yet sadly medical people judged me too, some still do, I can recall countless times when I was judged and labelled those times when no matter what I said my views didn’t count, or they were ignored. I can recall being asked more than  once to undergo a breath test in one hospital, I hadn’t been drinking in fact I’d been on an Alpha course and had permission to attend. But it often over ran and thus they judged I must have been drinking or doing something I shouldn’t. It irritated me to be treated in such a demeaning way, undergoing breath tests, drugs tests, searches etc and all I had done was attend a local group, yet I knew complying was the only answer and so I accepted what was needed to be done to appease my jailers. I say jailers because they held the keys to the air lock and they dictated if and when I could go out even though I was a voluntary patient.

I am sure that I’m not alone in feeling judged or labelled, we are after all a society fixated on labels and psychiatry is full of them, we don’t seem to treat causes just a set of symptoms. We treat people as objects rather than human beings with feelings and emotions, can this be right. One of things I have found helpful recently has to be the fact that when I discussed how I was judged in my first psychiatric hospital with my psychologist he seemed to understand why I had done what I had.

If a patient acts out in a psychiatric unit they are seen and judged as aggressive or troublesome rather than as someone who is distressed and trying to demonstrate their feelings, their hurt and at times their frustration. Looking back I can see how if instead of labelling me, judging me and drugging me they had offered me help to understand and explore why I had reacted in the way I had it would have been far more beneficial to me, my alters and to the staff.

Today whilst I live in society and I’m a free person and no longer a patient I still find at times that I feel judged, now it maybe the case I am over sensitive to feeling this though perhaps it’s more likely that unfortunately some members of society find it impossible to not judged others.  Many people know I have had a difficult past, some even know I have D.I.D but at times it can feel that others don’t understand what it’s like being me, this person with many parts.

Yes it’s chaotic at times, life for me and my alters is never easy some days are better than others, but easy isn’t something we experience.  I don’t want people to give me sympathy, I am not asking for people to give me special treatment, I’d just like that they wouldn’t judged us when they haven’t walked even one hour in my shoes.

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Copyright DID Dispatches 2014