This week seems to have been a mixture of emotions so far, I started crying at the airport overwhelmed by the fact my Ted had been taken for a secondary security check. The physical separation was just too much for my little parts of me and so the tears and panic set in and I guess all the frustrations of my delayed flight didn’t help either. The relief when we were reunited were palpable and I soon calmed myself back down with a little help from my daughter.
Over the weekend at the conference I felt myself switch from one part to another, and my feelings altered too. There were serious parts of me who sat and listened to various speakers and others who participated in the creative corner activities. Throughout this time my emotions fluctuated and I found myself questioning why I suddenly felt tearful and sad. There were times I was bursting with excitement and I can honestly say I felt the younger parts of me quite a lot. But there was the notably absence of my teen part who for years has carried my feelings and I felt sad and concerned that she wasn’t around.
Meeting old friends and new people at the conference was great fun, and at times I felt quite elated. I will write more about the conference on my return home when I have had time to digest all that happened there and I have settled down a little from this trip.
On Sunday evening as I stood on the 15th floor of a hotel and watched the fireworks display over the Magic Kingdom castle I felt my younger parts excitement. it was strange as I didn’t lose time I was side by side or co-aware of the events going on, I just wasn’t always in control of this body all of us share. The little parts of me gasped in wonder and kept telling my daughter how pretty the fireworks were, they clearly enjoyed themselves. Whilst I felt happy that I felt their excitement and happiness which was palpable, I also felt a huge wave of sadness which I couldn’t understand at first.
On Monday I still felt waves of sadness crashing over me and as I sat stuck on a bus trying to head back to my hotel for a phone call, panic overwhelmed me too. So by the time 15 minutes late I spoke to my psychologist I couldn’t help my tears which had started to flow. Having a virtual psychology session helped so much, over 4,000 miles from home and yet thanks to my willing psychologist we still had our session. I was able to discuss my emotions, my tears, my sadness and the absence of my teen part. It was so helpful to be reassured that my emotions were natural and to be expected and to know that my sorrow was grieve for the childhood I had lost and yet now attempted to reclaim.
It may sound funny but just having time to to talk things through and to rationalise things really helped me and knowing I was placing far too much pressure on myself also helped to calm things down. Once my session ended I had a good old cry and let out some of the frustrations and fears of the past few days, it was much needed. Accepting and acknowledging grieve was vital and it was also vital I acknowledged that I missed my teen part. Yes I understood why she might be absent and yet I had not really acknowledged I missed her and I actually cared about her.
The last time I came to florida I didn’t have internal dialogue nor did I have any sense of co- awareness instead I just lost time. Today I feel like I am getting to know the different alters and I feel quite emotionally attached to some of them, these alters are after all me, just different parts of me.
That afternoon my daughter and I visited our first theme park and soon I felt little parts excitement and giggles, seeing Mickey Mouse I was filled with wonder and awe. I guess the feelings of the little me who never witnessed or experienced such feelings as a child, who wasn’t able to enjoy this experience first hand before. It felt magical and it was fun but most of all it felt good and all the while. I kept talking internally to ensure the alters and I shared these experiences together.
Late in the afternoon as I waited in line for a ride I found myself drawn to the designs and textures of the characters and theming, Suddenly I sensed my teen part was present, I chatted to her in my usual way and she responded using the ideomotor signalling technique we have learnt. To say I was elated would be an understatement, I was ecstatic to feel her because I really was concerned about that part of me. Sharing time and fun with her brought about it’s own mixture of emotions and yet these were happy ones.
Over the past few days it has been an emotional roller-coaster ride, I have switched openly and freely and though I have lost time I have managed to enjoy some co-awareness as well. I have found myself grieving for the childhood I never had and also celebrating at the memories I am now creating for myself. I have been able to experience those child like feelings of wonder and excitement today and whilst they maybe a little late at least I am experiencing them now.
There has been a whole cacophony of emotions, ranging from sadness and sorrow to exhilaration and happiness. I have switched frequently and in doing so have learnt much about the different parts of me. I now know certain parts find the dark scary and need more reassurance, whilst others are just so happy to be enjoying this time away. I’m sensing the different characteristics of my parts more and that can only be good, as I will use this acquired knowledge to help us as we move forward.
So the forecast for the next few days of my holiday well it’s tears and tantrums, sadness and sorrow and happiness and excitement. I’ll update the blog again over the coming days of my adventures learning to understand the various parts of me, one things for certain life with Dissociative Identity Disorder is far from boring.
Copyright DID Dispatches 2015